theParklander

Honeymoon Tales
By Victoria Landis / August, 2011

To have a good friend in one's corner is a beautiful thing. A friend is a confidant, a secret-keeper, and a truth teller, even in the most difficult circumstances. There is trust between friends and a feeling of being truly oneself. Laughing, without condescension, at each other's flaws and failings can open up pathways of new understanding. It can also clear the air of tension.

Honeymoons are supposed to be fun. The stress of planning and carrying out myriad wedding details simply melts away the moment the bridal couple boards the plane or cruise ship.

In the course of erasing their pre-nuptial wear and tear, some go overboard. Not really. Well, some literally do go overboard. Then there are denials, investigations, and maybe a lengthy trial. But I'm talking about the innocent people who go a little nuts to try and make things fun and exciting for their new spousal unit.

Every one of us knows of someone who came back from a honeymoon in a cast, with a chipped tooth, covered with hives, or talking annulment. You might not have gotten the full story of what happened, but you sense there's a doozy just waiting to be told.

Lizzy loved gummy candy and chocolate. So her new hubby searched for and found red gummy hearts that were dipped in chocolate. To surprise her, when they arrived at their chosen bed and breakfast on a lesser-known Caribbean island, he hid the treats in one of her bags. She'd find them with his love note when she unpacked.

The moment they checked into their room, she announced that they should, before doing anything else, go for a stroll down the gorgeous beach as the sun set. Get the circulation moving after the long plane ride.

It was summer. It was hot. The air conditioning in their room seemed to be on the fritz. On their way out, they spoke to the manager who said they'd have the A/C looked at right away. Lizzy and spouse had their romantic stroll, went straight to dinner, then returned to their lodgings.

We think humans own the world, but in reality, ants do. In a wine-induced amorous fog, the couple opened their room door to find it still stiflingly hot. But they were in the mood. First things first, then they'd go lodge their displeasure about the lack of cooling air. With a gallant sweep of his arm, hubby pushed wife's bags to the floor, then placed her on the bed.

It took a minute until they realized they were not alone. It started with the tickle of teensy feet. Then little pinching bites. Then the horrible sensation of bugs crawling everywhere. They jumped from the bed screaming, and hubby dove for the light switch. The bed had dark brown stains covered with swarming ants.

Hubby had put the candy in the one bag that was netted. The chocolate melted from the heat and seeped into the bedspread. Apparently, the exterminator was on the fritz, too.

Want more? I have several tales of woe. Men seem to just love the idea of having a hot tub in the hotel room. It's a symbol of sorts for them, I think, a code for - I'm going to get wildly, out of the ordinary lucky if I have this.

Honestly, I don't know too many women who think of stewing in boiling chlorinated water as an aphrodisiac. It smells. It dries out your skin. It's humid. If you've just spent two hours getting your hair done to perfection, so your new husband will think you're sexy, going in the hot tub will wilt it until it resembles a wet mop head. Then all your make-up oozes down your face.

Joe wanted a hot tub in the room for his Las Vegas honeymoon with Cheryl. They were too tired to try it out the first night. Cheryl had spent major bucks and time on her hair for the wedding and wanted the glossy locks looks to last for more than a day. The second night passed with the newlyweds engaged in more conventional entanglements.

On the third night, Joe insisted on using the hot tub. Cheryl's hair had lost its wedding day allure. Since she needed to wash, dry, and re-style it anyway, she agreed.

Joe hit the switch of the hot tub. Bubbles erupted and sloshed over the edge of the raised tub. They opened champagne. Cheryl slid into the tub with a provocative smile for Joe. After some silly he-man posturing with the champagne glass in hand, Joe ran across the slick marble floor and, as he approached the step to the churning waters, slipped in a puddle and flew head-first into the tub side. His champagne glass hit the floor and shattered, Joe collapsed, and Cheryl screamed.

Joe was lucky he didn't break his neck, but he did spend the remainder of the honeymoon in one of those stiff white collars. He no longer thinks hot tubs are such a big deal.

One more from the Caribbean. Although most staff members at resorts are trustworthy, why serve up temptation? Anxious to please his new bride, Steve bought her a diamond bracelet she had been admiring in the hotel gift boutique.

While on the beach in the afternoon, Steve made arrangements with the waiter delivering drinks to the private cabanas. He ordered fancy rum cocktails in coconuts with the tops lopped off. He gave the bracelet to the man and asked that he drop it into her drink. To make sure she got the right coconut, they agreed that the one with the bracelet would get an extra paper umbrella.

Someone else delivered the refreshments about ten minutes later. The bride's drink indeed had two umbrellas. Steve encouraged his wife to guzzle her drink, while nervously scanning up and down the beach for the man he had entrusted. She had no desire to hurry imbibing, though. Steve stood, hand shading his eyes, and searched again for the waiter. When she asked if something was amiss, he smiled, but his panic grew. Finally, he lost patience, grabbed her coconut, spilled the contents on to the sand, and did a frantic finger comb for the bracelet - which, of course, wasn't there.
Honeymoon horror stories abound. People have crashed through windows while in an amorous mood. Honeymooning campers have forgotten to set the brakes and caused the camper to roll down the mountain. If your friends return from a honeymoon and the only thing they kvetch about is the slow room service, hand them this article.




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