Dear Dr. Renae,
My father remarried a woman with a daughter my age and his new wife and stepdaughter have moved into our home where I live part-time with my dad. My new stepsister and I are very different but are respectful to each other and get along fine. The home is small so we are now sharing the bedroom, which I had to myself. Naturally, my stepsister has put up posters of her favorite bands, and I no longer feel at home in my own space. My father is very happy and my new stepmother is nice to me so I do not want to upset the family by bringing it up. My space is very important to me. Am I being selfish to want my own room?
Needing Alone Time 13-Year-Old
Hello Needing Alone Time 13-Year-Old,
Transitioning will definitely take some time. It’s normal to feel like you are losing your own space. Though you feel like it would be upsetting to bring up your feelings, it just might be the opposite. Talking to your father is a good way to bring to his attention to the emotions you have about this new living arrangement. Since you mentioned you have a respectful relationship with your stepmother and stepsister, it would also help to have them included in the conversation too. This way the four of you can come up with solutions together to help make the proper adjustments and make sure you continue to feel at home.
Your friend
Dear Needing Alone Time 13-Year-Old,
You are definitely not being selfish wanting a space where you feel comfortable. In fact, from the way you phrased your question, I can tell that you’re approaching this from a very mature and respectful point of view, and you should be commended for that. While asking for your own room might be an impractical request depending on how much room you have in your house, perhaps you and your new stepsister can work out a system to divide the space you do have so both of you are happy. For example, you could agree on leaving two of the four walls bare, and then you can ech decorate one wall. You could also go out and choose new linens that both of you like — not only would that assure that both of you feel comfortable in the room, but it would also probably be a great bonding experience. The last suggestion I’ll make is to give it time. This is all very new and chances are that as more time passes, you’ll become more accustomed to the new people and elements in your life. At the same time, though, remember you have the right to be comfortable, so take the necessary steps to make sure you are at home in your space.
A Caring Friend
Dear Needing Time Alone 13-Year-Old,
It’s OK to feel selfish but it sounds like your situation won’t change because it works for everyone. You can try to make your side of the room fit your personality, but realize that your stepsister will do the same. You are being a good sport by putting up with it and I’m sure your father really appreciates that. Try bonding with your stepsister and get to know each other more too.
A Caring Friend
Dear Needing Time Alone 13-Year-Old,
It is not selfish to want your own room. Change is a very difficult thing to cope with. Adjusting to new people when it used to be you and your father cannot be easy. You should try getting to know your stepsister better. It may help you feel more at home. If you two got along, it would make sharing a room fun. Needing and wanting your own space is a normal thing, but unfortunately, your own room doesn’t seem to be an option. The best way to deal with this situation is to have a more positive mindset and focus on making it better and not wishing it was different.
Your Friend
Dear Needing Time Alone 13-Year-Old,
Your dad probably didn’t think a discussion was necessary since you and his new wife and stepdaughter get along well. There might be other issues to address besides room sharing. I suggest that you ask that all four of you have a family meeting where you can discuss everyone’s issues about their adjustment to the changes. Serve a fun snack and plan on a family movie or outing after the meeting. Make sure the positives are discussed as well as the concerns. You might be surprised to learn that other family members have issues adjusting to the changes too. If the first meeting works out well, it can be a regular family event. The honest communication you share early on will set the tone for future communication within your family.