Dear Dr. Renae,
My best friend tried cutting herself after she had a big fight with her mother. I promised to keep it a secret as long as she promised never to do it again. I now regret my promise. I keep wondering how I will know that she stopped since she and her mother do not get along. I don’t think she has cut again, but how can I be sure? I spend a lot of time worrying about her but I don’t want to betray my friend by breaking my promise. What should I do?
Stressed 13-Year-Old Friend
Dear Stressed 13-Year-Old Friend,
Being a good friend sometimes means doing something your friend might not necessarily like, but you know will keep them healthy and safe in the long run. You must tell an adult about your friend’s situation. Even if she has not cut herself again, the fact that she tried it once implies that she may need help channeling her emotions in a healthy way. It also sounds as though she needs to work on her relationship with her mother. My suggestion is for you to speak with your parents about this if it is something you feel comfortable sharing with them. If not, talk to a teacher, guidance counselor, or another adult you trust. You can ask whomever you speak with to keep this anonymous. They might be able to get your friend the help she needs without revealing that you told her secret. However, if it does come out your friend may be angry with you. If she is, remember this – while she may be angry now, she will thank you in the long run for having kept her safe and healthy.
A Caring Teen
Dear Stressed 13-Year-Old Friend,
I think that if she promises never to do it again, you should both be OK. However, if it happens again I would be concerned with her safety. She was probably just experimenting coping mechanisms to make her feel better, although it does not justify her actions. You are a very good friend for knowing when to keep promises and knowing when to try to get help for your friend. As a good friend, it’s important to have a heart to heart talk with her and see if you both can come up with something else for her to do when she gets angry with her mom. She can FaceTime you so she can vent her anger, journal, color, take a walk, listen to music, or something else your friend may find soothing. Sending love to you.
Your 14-Year-Old Friend
Dear Stressed 13-Year-Old Friend,
I totally understand where you’re coming from. You don’t want to betray her trust and ruin your friendship with her, but cutting yourself is much bigger than any promise or friendship. It is incredibly dangerous. You should talk to your friend and try to get her to agree to get help. You’re in a difficult situation, but keeping quiet may only make the problem worse. Try to reason with her and comfort her. You can also try talking to your parents about it and see if they have any good ideas on what you can do. Your guidance counselor at school can also help. I hope it all turns out OK.
A 16-Year-Old Friend
Dear Stressed 13-Year-Old Friend,
Go to your friend and ask her seriously if she’s been cutting again. You need to let her know that if she is, you are there for her. She is going through a rough time in her life. Help her find alternatives to cutting such as using a stress ball, writing her feelings down on paper, or drawing to calm down. Ask her what is bothering her because she is probably hurting a lot inside and doesn’t have any other way to express it. It’s important to keep promises, but in a situation like this, you could help your friend’s problem by asking your school’s guidance counselor how to handle this. If your friend has a serious cutting problem and you feel like that would be the best option, let your friend know that you care about her too much and you want to get help for her.
A Caring Friend
Dear Stressed 13-Year-Old Friend,
At the time when you made the promise to your friend, it felt like the right thing to do. After experiencing the weight of that worry, you now realize that keeping this secret is not safe or healthy for you and your friend. It will take a lot of courage for you to explain in the sincerest and caring way that you will help her decide the safest way for her to get help. Even if your friend only cut herself once, it is critical for her to be assessed by a professional for risk of suicide, depression, or effects of previous trauma that you might not know about. Medical care for her cuts may also be needed. Without the proper treatment for the problems she is experiencing, your friend may be robbed of a lifetime of success and happiness. Your School Counselor, School Social Worker or School Family Therapist will be able to help her improve her relationship with her mother and find other trusting supportive adults. Being a good friend means looking out for your friend’s best interest, especially when she is not able to look out for herself. If you keep this secret, you will be letting her down and letting your self down as well.
Dr. Renae