Many students are anxious this school year, and the COVID situation makes things even more tense. A lot of students were not in school last year and did classes virtually. This school year, they wonder: Mask or no mask? Is it safe? Is it uncomfortable?
In addition, there are the usual anxieties: Will my best friend still want to be my friend? Will I have nice teachers? Will I remember how to multiply fractions or read articles in Spanish?
If we adults feel stress and strain, so do young people. As a teacher and counselor, even before COVID, the number of tweens and teens with migraines, irritable bowel syndrome, and other stress-related symptoms disheartened me. One teen had hands that trembled as if she had Parkinson’s. Another developed sensitivity to socks and underwear and couldn’t attend school. The parents took her to an allergist, who determined there were no allergies, but rather an emotional reaction to school.
Students often told me they were terrified of getting a “B” as they were supposed to bring home “A”s. There would be severe repercussions if they brought home anything less. This was especially true with gifted students. And there were parents who would email within minutes of any quiz posted if there were a grade lower than expected.
Young people are especially sensitive. They will be devastated if their best friend makes friends with a new student, or someone decides not to speak to them for a day. As parents, there are things we can do to make life easier for our children and alleviate some of their angst.
Do not minimize their anxiety. Young people cringe at the thought “these are the best years of your life.” No, they are not. Any adult who believes middle school is the best of times has a poor memory. You are too short or too tall. Your skin breaks out. You are overweight and never get picked for teams. You are the only girl who doesn’t need a bra. You hate your braces. Your nose has suddenly grown. Your once-pretty hair is now frizzy. You question your gender identity. Your family doesn’t have the means to get you the latest styles. You cannot comprehend chemistry.
To be told that these are the best of times makes most teens think, “Please, that can’t be true.” Many of these young people are feeling unhappy, frightened, and unworthy. To be told that they should be happy, should appreciate being young and “free,” makes them feel angry and more anxious: “What is wrong with me?”
Parents can do things to help. First, find where students can get encouragement. For example, a student is dyslexic and feels bad. His handwriting is illegible and his reading needs improvement. Get him help with the reading, either an after-school program, a tutor, or with programs he can work on, like Study Island. Reading is vital for all subjects, but don’t overdo it. Half an hour a day can help. Don’t do more or they will resent it. If you use a tutor, make sure they are not doing the student’s work, but showing how to do the work.
Equally important: Find an activity where the student gets “positive strokes,” like sports, music, karate, art, astronomy, or chess. They gain confidence; there is something they are good at. They will make like-minded friends. This is a win-win situation, especially important for introverts.
Be warned, however, that often young people will try several things before finding one that fits. Don’t see this as them “quitting,” but rather trying things out. That is normal, and hopefully they will find something and stick with it.
One young man was so shy he didn’t speak with anyone in class. His breakthrough came when he mentioned he had six dogs. A club I sponsored, “Builders’ Club,” raised money for charities. He was encouraged to join. He raised money for the Humane Society and in this endeavor had to speak to people. He became president of the club and came out of his shell. He is now in college and is outgoing and friendly.
The greatest gift a parent can give a child having any type of difficulties, academic or social, is to listen and commiserate. Do not dismiss their unhappiness. Let them know you are there for them. But don’t immediately try to fix it. Instead, when they come home with a problem or a situation, listen. When they have finished expressing their feelings, and you have allowed them to vent without jumping in, ask, “What do you think you can do about this?” Allow them to think aloud and present various scenarios. Ask them “Which idea sounds best to you?” and “If that doesn’t work, what else might you do?” This is powerful. It allows people to “try on” different approaches and gives them the correct idea: They have the means to fix things, to meet life’s challenges.
To do this means that time is set aside in your day to allow them to share with you while you listen with undivided attention. In our house, it was dinner. No matter what, we ate as a family and heard the events of the day. “What went well? Was there a problem?” “What did you learn today?” “What happened that made you happy?” Perhaps cook or do the dishes together.
I used to pick up my son from school. On the walk home, our time to talk was stopping for pizza or a treat. With my daughter, Saturday mornings were our “girl time.” We had brunch out and she shared stories about friends, gymnastic class, and why she loved her music teacher.
There will be times when your child might tell you, “My teacher is still not calling on me,” “Johnny is bullying me,” or “Sandra called me fat,” which may require parent intervention. But these should be the rare times.
For most incidents and daily angst, encourage them to think through ways to alleviate situations. This is a great practice not just for dealing with school, but for dealing with life.
