Dear Dr. Renae,
I am constantly in trouble for not completing my chores at the exact time my mom wants them done. For example, I like to relax after dinner and take care of the dishes later. My mother yells at me for not doing them immediately after dinner. The same goes for taking out the garbage, making my bed, taking care of my laundry and hanging up my clothes. I get it all done, just not in the time frame my mother unfairly demands. I am called disrespectful and inconsiderate, neither of which are true. This is ruining our relationship as I do not want to spend time with my mother or even talk to her when she is always angry with me. I would like to be able to relax and have peace in my home. Please help!
14-year-old Daughter
Dear 14-year-old Daughter,
I procrastinate too. I find that it is best to complete my chores right away, so that you don’t have to worry about it later. Relaxing after chores will be much more rewarding that way. I suggest completing your chores on time and see if your mother continues to bother you. Mothers often take on domestic duties on top of being a caregiver and having a job, which is all incredibly stressful. She may be stressed about other things and misdirecting her anger on to you. Sit down with your mother and tell her that you value your relationship with her, but that it has been strained due to arguments over chores.
High School Sophomore
Dear 14-year-old Daughter,
I completely understand what you mean. Just try to understand your mom just wants you to adapt to doing chores on your own accord, as opposed to her having to tell you to do it. If you do it immediately, it saves both you and her unnecessary stress and strain on the relationship. If it’s an imperative problem, simply talk to your mother about how you feel.
Your Friend
Dear 14-year-old Daughter,
I feel you. As the daughter of a strict mother myself, I understand the struggle. In most cases parents tend to want things done their way in a timely and efficient manner. Anything otherwise would be considered procrastination and laziness, right? I’d recommend trying to communicate compromises with your mother and share your thoughts with her. A strong and positive relationship is all we ask for from our mothers and vice versa. Try to compromise on a time frame in which chores or other responsibilities should be completed that comply with both of you. Be realistic and consistent. Ensure that your chores are completed when you say they will be on your agreed terms. Build trust between both of you. You are responsible and respectful, make sure she grows to notice that. You’ve got this!
A 17-year-old Peer
Dear 14-year-old Daughter,
I totally feel you. The best advice I can give you is to start by doing your tasks when she tells you to do them. Now hear me out. Talking with a parent can be difficult if they are angry. If you do your chores on time for a couple of days, your mom will be satisfied with your efforts of listening to her. Her being in a happy state is the perfect time to communicate how being called disrespectful and inconsiderate is harsh when you do get your work done. She will be more understanding of how you feel. You can also try to sort out a time frame of when to do chores. Maybe you can rest 15 minutes and then get to doing your work. Just remember, there’s a better chance your mom will listen to you if she sees you putting in an effort to satisfy her.
Been There
Dear 14-year-old Daughter,
Your mom is trying to raise you to take care of your responsibilities and sounds frustrated in her efforts. Adults suffer consequences for not adhering to deadlines, such as late fees for paying bills past the due date, and accounts canceled. The consequences in those adult situations are applied without argument or discussion, just like your grade in the class automatically going down when you are late in handing in assignments. Some chores need to be done within a very specific time frame in order for the household to remain hygienic, clean, peaceful, and calm. For example, dishes need to be washed before food cakes on or insects crawl around. Garbage needs to be emptied before it overflows or smells. You might want to request a swap for chores that can be done in a less pressured time frame, such as once a day or twice a week whenever you wish, such as vacuuming or laundry. If that does not appeal to you and your mom, and you decide to keep the same chores, you can establish a written contract with the time/day each chore is to be completed. For example – dinner dishes within fifteen minutes after dinner time or garbage to be brought to curb by 6:00 am on garbage days. If you and your mom have previously discussed consequences, that should eliminate the need to argue. You will automatically lose a privilege for not complying, similar to school and adult life. You might find that you are awarded more privileges such as a later curfew and learning to drive when your mom sees you being more responsible for doing your chores without reminders.
Dr. Renae
