Dear Dr. Renae,
I recently reconnected with an old friend from middle school and we have been talking a lot virtually. I really like him as more than a friend and I think he feels the same way. The problem is that he is my good friend’s ex-boyfriend. They were together for all of the eighth grade and didn’t remain friends when they broke up. I would often be caught in the middle of their problems as they both came to me for advice. Their relationship ended three years ago and we have all moved on, I think. Is it okay for me to date a good friend’s ex? Is there a “girl code” like my mother has described from when she was my age?
Confused 17-year-old
Dear Confused 17-year-old,
Essentially, yes. “Girl code” could be used for this scenario. Regardless of the time, this boy was once your friend’s boyfriend, so going out with him yourself could damage the friendship, as well as place guilt on yourself. If you really like this guy, and your friendship can withstand it, then go for it. Perhaps, try explaining to your friend that you reciprocate feelings for her ex-boyfriend and see what happens. Make sure it’s clear this wasn’t intentional or malicious. It is helpful in these situations to know that some things are circumstantial and not personal at all.
Your Friend
Dear Confused 17-year-old,
Your current situation should be handled carefully. I suggest talking to your friend and asking her if she has completely moved on and how she would feel if you and her ex got together. If she is fine with it, then go for it. However, if she has any concerns, or if she is not ok with it, then do not pursue her ex. Friendships are more valuable than romantic relationships, so make sure you do not ruin your relationship with either of them.
A High School Senior
Dear Confused 17-year-old,
I am happy you were able to reconnect with someone during the quarantine. I believe it is completely fine for you to date this person because he and your friend dated when they were much younger and very inexperienced with life. Now that all of you have grown up and most likely learned from your mistakes, it will lead to a stronger relationship .If everyone involved has moved on, it is completely fine to date this boy. If you have doubts, you can always ask your good friend about this issue. I hope this helps.
Your Fellow Teen
Dear Confused 17-year-old,
“Girl code” can vary from person to person and what they see as “right.” I suggest that you talk to your friend before you start to date her ex-boyfriend. For a lot of people, it hurts more if they weren’t told something ahead of time. Talking with your friend will ensure she is okay and knows what’s going on. This way, if she does understand and you do start dating, you won’t lose your friendship.
A Caring Friend
Dear Confused 17-year-old,
The change in maturity from eighth grade to nearly the end of high school is incomparable to any. The amount one person grows during this time is unlike any other, so I’m sure your friend would not mind if you pursued a relationship with an ex she had in middle school. Most people in high school realize that their relationships in middle school were not meant to last. As your close friend, I am certain that she wants to see you happy, so any reservations she may have about the situation may be put to the side. However, I doubt she will have reservations as a relationship in middle school does not hold much relevance in her current day to day life. My one big piece of advice is to be sure to inform your friend of your actions, and what you plan to do next. If you go about this in a secretive manner, then it may become an issue because she will feel you are going around her. However, if you are open and honest about your feelings, I’m sure it will all work out!
A Romantic
Dear Confused 17-year-old,
It reveals a lot about your character that you are concerned about your friend’s feelings. A true friend will be open to hearing your concern and considering it sincerely so they can be honest about their feelings. You might already know your friend well enough to know how she would feel about your dating her middle school ex-boyfriend, and whether she will honestly share with you if it disturbs her. Despite not being fully grown, young teens have the capability of developing strong feelings in relationships which, while different, are just as intense as mature love. In discussing this, consider how your friend would feel if the relationship became serious enough to include all of you spending time together. Don’t forget to think about how you might feel if they become good friends again and the role was reversed with him going to her for relationship advice. How you might feel about yourself regarding dating this guy is just as important as how your friend might feel. A soul-searching conversation with yourself will help you assess the possible outcomes.
Dr. Renae
TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.
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Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice inBoca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com
