Dear Dr. Renae,
I have been alternating weekly living with each parent since I have been five years old. My parents explained to me that the judge ordered this plan. The arrangement was one which I never questioned since it feels like it has always been that way. Lately, I have been wanting to have a different arrangement, but I am afraid of hurting the feelings of the parent I want to spend less time with. I also do not want to cause further problems between my divorced parents since they do not get along with each other. I am sure my bringing it up would cause more conflict, but it just doesn’t seem fair that I need to move back and forth each week just because they are no longer married! My friends are encouraging me to talk to my parents rather than waiting another year and a half when I go off to college. I can’t decide if it is worth the risk and I will regret bringing it up.
Torn at 17.
Dear Torn at 17,
Your parents love you so much and I’m confident they would want to make sure you are happy. If this is something you really think would be beneficial, I would suggest talking to one of your parents about it!! See what they think, and maybe you can come up with a good solution. Listen to your heart and do whatever makes you happiest! I feel that your parents will understand no matter which direction you go.
A Caring Friend
Dear Torn at 17,
It’s very difficult to move your entire life from one house to another every week or so. Your feelings of wanting to spend more time in one house are very valid; everyone deserves to settle down in one place because it helps keep you stable. I believe that if you bring it up in a non-emotional way then your parents may be okay with the change. Tell them that you want to spend more time in one house rather than with one parent. You’re not preferring one parent or the other, you just want to feel settled down and constantly moving is not helpful. I wish you all the best and I hope everything works out. A High School Senior
Dear Torn at 17,
I always believe communication is key, and I think it is of the utmost importance in your situation. I understand that you are leaving in a year and a half, but your feelings in the present are just as valuable. Every party involved is mature and so you should not be afraid of having conflict. Compromise and discussion are important to have, so I advise having a meeting with your parents whenever everyone is available. I hope everything goes well for you.
Your Fellow Teen
Dear Torn at 17,
I suggest that you consider the time you cherish with each parent outside of the location where you sleep. Your parents will value more time with you in specific activities you enjoy with each of them. You might request a weekly dinner night, movie night, day trip, or time engaged in a shared hobby. Explain to your parents that the time you spend alone in your room, sleeping in your bed under their roof is not the important part of their parenting. If you pair your request for sleeping nightly in the same home with spending more quality time together engaged in enjoyable activities, you will be closer to meeting the needs of the parent whose home you would not be sleeping. Focus your conversation on enjoying the relationship with each parent for now and the long- term future. Keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself is not emotionally healthy and detracts from the honest relationship you hope to have with your parents. You are in a position to determine the type of communication YOU have with each parent, not the relationship they have with each other. The conflict they have with each other is not your fault, nor are you able to control it. I hope they appreciate your honesty and recognize your efforts to improve YOUR relationship with them. Your parents are so lucky to have you as their child!
Dr. Renae
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Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: