Florida’s Crazy Laws

by Glenn Swift Jr.

strapless

We all remember the embarrassment, and humiliation, we proud Floridians endured during the 2000 presidential election: butterfly ballots, and hanging chads. Those images are firmly planted in our memory banks. So, let’s be honest. We didn’t look all that great before the nation. Of course, we assured ourselves that all the insanity wasn’t indicative of our robust, cutting-edge state. Well, on closer look, maybe we do need to rethink a few things after all. You see, we have some, let’s say, rather bizarre laws still in effect in our glorious Sunshine State. Here are some examples of what I’m talking about. Just don’t tell your friends up North.

 

They’ll be convinced that we really are nuts!

 

In Florida…

It is illegal to block any well-traveled wagon road.

It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6pm on a Thursday.

It is illegal to skateboard without a license.

Failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.

It is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.

Sexual relations with a porcupine are strictly prohibited.

It is illegal for an unmarried woman to skydive on Sunday.

When having sex only the missionary position is legal.

Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. (the salon owner can also be fined for this horrible crime.)

It is illegal to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron.

You may not kiss your wife’s breasts.

Rats are forbidden to leave a ship docked in Tampa Bay.

Topless walking or running within a 150-foot zone between the beach and the street is prohibited.

In Key West…

It is illegal to spit on a church floor.

Chickens are considered a “protected species.”
In Miami…

It is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.

It is illegal to imitate an animal.

The penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.

No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet; however, No bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle.

Oral sex is illegal.

In Miami Shores…

Any product manufactured in a Communist country that is sold within its city limits must be clearly marked so as not “to hide its Communist origins.”

In Pensacola…

Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.

It is illegal to roll a barrel on a street. (Fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.)

A woman can be fined (only after death) for being electrocuted in a bathtub while using self-beautification utensils.

In Sarasota…

It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.

If you hit a pedestrian, you are fined $78.

Catching crabs is illegal.

In Tampa…

It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6pm.

Are these crazy enough for you? For more crazy laws, visit
stupidlaws.com/laws/united-states/florida
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Time of discovery: Native Americans in Southeast Florida

ponce_de_leonby Glenn R. Swift

Ponce de Leon was the first European to set foot on the modern-day United States. He discovered La Florida in April 1513 while on an expedition consisting of three ships and 200 men. De Leon’s objective was to look for gold, and the “fountain of youth,” although evidence for the latter does not appear until well after his death. Precisely where de Leon first came ashore is widely disputed, but the most widely accepted location by historians is Melbourne Beach (about 100 miles north of North Palm Beach). De Leon named the peninsula La Florida in recognition of the land’s verdant landscape, and because it was the Easter season, which the Spaniards called Pascua Florida or Festival of Flowers.

At the time of the discovery, there were three Native American tribes living along the coast of southeast Florida: the Ais; the Jaega; and the Tequesta. All three tribes were exclusively hunter-gatherers, relying largely upon fishing, the hunting of manatees and sea turtles, and the gathering of wild berries. Most scholars in the field assert that the three tribes are genetically and linguistically related to the Muskogee group of Native Americans, who dominated the southeastern United States, and were descended from the Native Americans of present-day Mexico. This is in contrast to the indigenous peoples of the Caribbean who are classified as belonging to the Arawak group, and descended from the Native Americans of South America.

indigenousMost of what we know about the Ais and the Jaega comes to us from the writings of Jonathan Dickinson, an English Quaker on his way from Jamaica to Philadelphia who was shipwrecked in 1696, along with his family and the other passengers and crew members of the ship. The party was held captive by the Jaega for several days before being handed over to the Ais chief (cacique). Because one of the members of Dickinson’s group spoke Spanish, the group was able to persuade the Jaega and the Ais that they were Spanish and not English. As a result of this good fortune, the group was allowed to travel by small boat and on foot the 230 miles up the coast to Spanish-held St. Augustine. During the journey, the party was subjected to constant harassment and physical abuse with five members of the group succumbing to exposure and starvation.

The Spanish authorities in St. Augustine treated the surviving members of the party well and sent them by canoe to Charles Town (now Charleston, South Carolina), where they were able to find passage to their original destination, Philadelphia.

Ais

The Ais lived along the 156-mile banks of the Indian River Lagoon from present-day Cape Canaveral to Stuart. They were primarily fishermen “who boiled their fish, and ate them from ‘platters’ of palmetto leaf,” according to Dickinson. The Ais cacique, who wielded power over both the Ais and the neighboring Jaega to the south, resided in the tribe’s main settlement of Jece (present-day Vero Beach). The Ais enjoyed friendly relations with the Spanish, but were sworn enemies of the English who Dickinson said they referred to as “Nickaleers.” Estimates vary widely, but most historians place the population of the Ais at the time of European discovery at about 20,000, with 2,000 residing in their main settlement of Jece.

florida-1584

Jaega

The Jaega lived between the St. Lucie and Hillsboro inlets with their main settlement being Jobe, which was located along the banks of the Jupiter Inlet. Like the Ais, their origins are believed by many to date back some 2,000 years. Politically subordinate to the Ais, the Jaega consisted of about 2,000 people at the time of European discovery, and maintained friendly relations with the Spanish. Then again, not every Spaniard at that time fared so well in this neck of the woods. Much of what we know about the Jaega comes from the writings of Hernando de Escalante (1536-1575), who was enslaved and held captive in the region for 17 years before being rescued. (Actually, de Escalante was the “lucky one,” the others in his shipwrecked party were sacrificed.)

Tequesta

The Tequesta lived between what is today Boca Raton and the southern tip of the Florida peninsula, with their main settlement along the banks of Biscayne Bay and the mouth of the Miami River. At times, they also occupied the Florida Keys. Archaeological studies confirm that these first residents of Florida’s Gold Coast date back to the third century BCE during the so-called Formative Stage (“Neo-Indian” Period) of the continent when Florida’s climate had reached current conditions and the sea had risen close to its present-day level. The Tequesta were more or less dominated by the more numerous Calusa of the southwest coast of Florida, but they were closely allied to their immediate neighbors to the north, the Jaega. Estimates as to the number of Tequesta at the time of initial European contact range from 800 to more than 10,000.

Epilogue

Tragically, contact with Europeans had lethal consequences for the “first Floridians.” In fact, by 1760 all had perished, having succumbed to the small pox pandemic that decimated the Native American population of the Americas to a mere one-tenth of its pre-Columbian level.

Smoke in the Wind
Smoke in the Wind