by Glenn Swift Jr.
We all remember the embarrassment, and humiliation, we proud Floridians endured during the 2000 presidential election: butterfly ballots, and hanging chads. Those images are firmly planted in our memory banks. So, let’s be honest. We didn’t look all that great before the nation. Of course, we assured ourselves that all the insanity wasn’t indicative of our robust, cutting-edge state. Well, on closer look, maybe we do need to rethink a few things after all. You see, we have some, let’s say, rather bizarre laws still in effect in our glorious Sunshine State. Here are some examples of what I’m talking about. Just don’t tell your friends up North.
They’ll be convinced that we really are nuts!
It is illegal to block any well-traveled wagon road.
It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6pm on a Thursday.
It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
Failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.
It is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.
Sexual relations with a porcupine are strictly prohibited.
It is illegal for an unmarried woman to skydive on Sunday.
When having sex only the missionary position is legal.
Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. (the salon owner can also be fined for this horrible crime.)
It is illegal to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
Lap dances must be given at least six feet away from a patron.
You may not kiss your wife’s breasts.
Rats are forbidden to leave a ship docked in Tampa Bay.
Topless walking or running within a 150-foot zone between the beach and the street is prohibited.
In Key West…
It is illegal to spit on a church floor.
Chickens are considered a “protected species.”
It is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
It is illegal to imitate an animal.
The penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet; however, No bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle.
Oral sex is illegal.
In Miami Shores…
Any product manufactured in a Communist country that is sold within its city limits must be clearly marked so as not “to hide its Communist origins.”
Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person.
It is illegal to roll a barrel on a street. (Fines go up according to the contents of the barrel.)
A woman can be fined (only after death) for being electrocuted in a bathtub while using self-beautification utensils.
It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
If you hit a pedestrian, you are fined $78.
Catching crabs is illegal.
It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6pm.
Are these crazy enough for you? For more crazy laws, visit