Author: Dr. Renae Lapin

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Ask Dr. Renae: Worried about the cost of the COVID school gap

Dear Dr. Renae,

I hear some teachers commenting on this school year being a lost year and all the students winding up a year behind. I am aware that I didn’t learn as much as I would have since online was not as good as in person for some subjects. I worry about being prepared for college entrance exams and college coursework. I am even more worried about my younger sister who is struggling to learn how to read. I notice how frustrated the teachers are as well. Many of my peers are upset about missing out on social activities but I am thinking about my future. Am I weird for worrying about my education?

Unprepared High School Junior

Dear Unprepared High School Junior,

It is completely normal to be worried about your education! Education is a major cornerstone in our lives, so I understand where you are coming from. It helps to remem-ber that every person in the world is facing the same issue that is happening to you, and so I believe people will be more mindful and understanding of the circumstances you have come from. You could not control the cards you were dealt, and educators know that. It is my belief that they will have to be accommodating to any issues that may arise from online education, if they would want to dutifully fulfill their jobs. Hopefully, I assuaged some of your fears, and I wish you the best of luck in your academic journey.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Unprepared High School Junior,

It’s completely understandable being concerned about your academics. Commendable, even. Whilst students have been heavily affected by this pandemic, it’s important to re-main optimistic. Junior year is a crucial time for prospective university students but with everything going on, universities might be lenient with requirements. Now is also a fantastic time to build your student resumé. If you haven’t already decided on a university, now is the perfect time to take a look and reach out to universities. This is the fun part! As far as preparation goes, there’s plenty of practice SAT samplequestions available online as well as books to read. It’s important to be studious but not too hard on yourself. Stay safe!

A Caring Friend

Dear Unprepared Junior,

You are not weird for worrying about your education at all. From reading your submission, I can tell you care about your education which is really important. Since I’m not in college just yet, I asked my 25-year-old sister for some advice I could give you. The best thing she told me was from her college experience, as long as you keep up your studying, work ethic and motivation, you will be fi ne. To tell you the truth, she told me that high school did not prepare her for college; college prepared her for college. Stressing right now over something you don’t know will happen will drive you crazy! It’s best to start good habits during online school that you can later use in college. I hope this helps!

Your Friend

Dear Unprepared Junior,

It is true that most students did not learn as much academic curriculum as they would have if school was in person as usual. The timing and speed at which learning takes place, however, is not indicative of future happiness and success. Many professionals took an unexpected alternative path and timeline in preparing for their career which helped better lead them toward  success. Struggling with the lifestyle changes required during the pandemic has given you an opportunity to learn much more than academics. Conquering boredom and anxiety, along with navigating a new daily structure has taught you flexibility, creativity, and perseverance. Those skills help you to be significantly prepared for college as well as your future. Take pride in the personal growth you have experienced in order to acquire more confidence in your ability to adapt to the future.

Dr. Renae

 

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida.

For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com

 

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Ask Dr. Renae: Teen protecting endangered family member is not alone

Dear Dr. Renae,

A member of my immediate family living in my home has a medical condition which makes them immune compromised. Out of love, respect and fear for their safety, I have limited my social interactions. My friends understood at first but have begun subtly pressuring me to go out. I feel very left out, and it really makes it so much harder since I am missing out on so much. I am also worried about infecting my family member, so I have not even been attending school in person. I feel isolated and may be becoming depressed. I just want my friends to understand.

Alone at 17

Dear Alone at 17,

Your concern for your family is very honorable. You’ve made the right decision by staying home to keep your family safe. I would suggest talking to your friends and explaining to them how you feel and why you don’t want to go out. I would hope that your friends are mature enough to realize that you are making the right choice in staying home. After that I would suggest just talking to them over the phone or having zoom nights together. There’s a lot of online games that you and your friends can play together, or you can just relax and talk to each other. Remember that you can always have fun even if you’re not physically together. I wish you the best of luck.

High School Senior

 

Dear Alone at 17,

You are not alone!! There are so many people who are going through the exact same thing as you. I think that you are being very responsible and caring, and I’m sure your friends will see that! I suggest finding a group of people to have nightly zoom calls with and plan fun things to do together on the phone. Another example is to ask your friends to have a socially distant lunch!! I for one have been extremely cautious during COVID like you and one thing I have done to see my friends is having a socially distant lunch or hangout! You pick an outdoors area and go separately with your own blanket and sit apart in a huge circle… lots of feet apart! During these trying times, it is definitely important to find people that can support you on your off days. I hope you are doing well.

A Caring Friend

Dear Alone at 17,

I have people around me who also pressure me to go out, so I completely understand where you are coming from. I found the best way to remedy the situation is with communication. It may help to communicate with your friends through a video chat or voice call  about your experience with the pandemic and how you feel left out. It would also be helpful to come up with some stay-at-home events your friends can do together. I suggest game nights, powerpoint nights, or just chatting on the phone. I hope you don’t feel so alone in the future.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Alone at 17,

It is inconceivable to be robbed of your much anticipated social year and normal for you to feel a loss. Your love and respect for your family is admirable especially for a teen. You sound like you are comfortable with your decision, an important predictor for your ability to make future difficult decisions. Friends who acknowledge and respect your choice will likely stand out head and shoulders above those friends who do not understand. Focusing your attention on these true friends will likely bring you more comfort than focusing attention on those who regrettably surprised you with their lack of support. True friends will find creative ways to remain connected to you, especially now when you need your friends more than ever. In addition, when you are able to finally socialize in person, it will be helpful to know who your true friends are so you can count on them in the future.

Dr. Renae

 

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com

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Ask Dr. Renae: In with the new and out with the old

This month’s Ask Dr. Renae column surveys local teens to provide a flavor of how they are welcoming the new year 2021. See for yourself how our future generation has fared and be inspired by their hopefulness.

Out with the old: I will wave goodbye to being practical. I’ve tried to get into the habit of living a more serendipitous lifestyle and I’ve since made very fond memories and have had experiences that I never would have had otherwise.

But don’t lose everything: I will keep my inventiveness and self-reliance. It’s very important to me to retain these characteristics and continue to blossom into the best version of myself.

In with the new: I will look forward to a new way of life with endless opportunities and a plethora of success.

Out with the old: I will wave goodbye to self-doubt whenever I’m hesitant about sharing my opinion in class or with new people. I also will wave goodbye to fear of rejection in all aspects of life. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be rejected. Some people may not think the same as you do and that’s okay.

But don’t lose everything: I will keep the few amazing high school memories with my best friends when I begin to enter a new chapter of my life and attend college. Those memories of jamming out to music in the car or staying out a little too late that I have to speed (not by much) home to make curfew will always make me smile.

In with the new: I will look forward to exciting new adventures that I will experience when I go to college next year and begin setting personal goals in academics, health, and hobbies.

 

Out with the old: As we approach the new year I want to reflect on my current year. I will be waving goodbye to my messy habits and unclean room.

But don’t lose everything: I will definitely be keeping close contact with all my friends and continue our zoom slumber parties.

In with the new: I am looking forward to finishing high school and starting the next phase of my life in college. 2020 was a rough year, but I will try my best to have a more positive 2021.

 

Out with the old: I will wave goodbye to fearing what others might think of me. Often, I try to be the most perfect person when trying to meet new people or even just around some of my close friends. This past year I learned that it’s important to own who you are and what makes you.

But don’t lose everything: I will keep hanging out with my family, my friends, and my dog, who is my entire world. COVID has really brought me closer with my brothers, since they are out of college and staying home for the meantime. I also have such a special place in my heart for my friends and my dog who I love very much.

In with the new: I will look forward to planning for the future. I am a junior in high school and am going to start looking into the college process soon. I have my heart set on going into the entertainment industry and can’t wait to get started. I am so hopeful for my future and can’t wait for the day that I am living in New York City!

 

Out with the old: I will wave goodbye to negative feelings that I have about myself.

But don’t lose everything: I will keep my friends and all of the happy memories I have with them.

In with the new: I look forward to all the amazing things I want to do with my life, especially going to college to get my degree in engineering and to make some more friends while I’m there.

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com

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Ask Dr. Renae: Making virtual friends

Dear Dr. Renae,

I had been looking forward to beginning high school since the beginning of middle school so I could join clubs and try out for sports teams to make friends. I had to separate from my middle school friends since they were not into academics, but getting into trouble and getting high all the time. I have been waiting so long to make new friends and now it seems so difficult remotely. I am shy and do not feel confident with the way I look, especially
online. How can I make friends virtually when it feels awkward to make the first step to reach out to someone?

Shy 9th Grader

Dear Shy 9th Grader,

A huge positive in meeting people remotely is that it gives you a chance to be more authentic and versatile. You can be yourself and broadcast that person. Realistically, there are many in the same space you’re in, looking for friends but not knowing where to start. It can be difficult having a rewarding experience if you aren’t gregarious. The wonderful thing about entering high school, especially in this time period, is that everything is so brand new. Perhaps start small. Make a post about the clubs you want to join or start. If you’re active on social media, see if there’s a “class” page. It usually conveys events that each class can partake in, remotely or in person. I imagine it would look rather different this year but exciting, nonetheless. The key to success is confidence. Sports is also a great bonding topic. I’m sure you’ll make friends in no time. Hope this helps.

Your Friend

Dear Shy 9th Grader,

I understand the difficulties and initial fear of making friends, for I have been in your position as well. The easiest way I was able to make friends is by finding a common interest. For example, if you like to play video games or are interested in a particular show or book, it is easy to find people on the internet who are interested in the same things as you. It may be daunting to make the first move, but easy conversation starters can include “Hi I saw you like (insert show/book/video game/etc.), who is your favorite character?” or “Hi I recently got into (insert show/book/video game/etc.) can you help me find more content from them?” An added bonus of the internet is anonymity, so if you feel uncomfortable you do not need to disclose personal information about yourself until you feel comfortable with the person. Of course, please be cautious on the internet by not exposing where you live or other personal information. Trusting your instincts, you can make great virtual friends. Try finding a club at school and talking with the club members about common interests and how to get involved with the club. I wish you good luck on your endeavors.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Shy 9th Grader,

Making friends is difficult, however, the new obstacle of online learning should not discourage you. I would suggest looking into the clubs at your school and attending one of their virtual meetings. From there, you will find people who have attended the meetings and you can then begin to follow them on Instagram. If they’re new like you, you should have a nice starting off point on what you can talk about. Send them a direct message and say how you’re new to the school and how they seem like a nice person and you wanted to get to know them. If they’re a considerate person they will message you back and you’ll be on your way to a new friend! If they don’t message you back, just move on to someone else. It’s all about having enough confidence to get past the first steps. Good luck and I hope you find some great people!

High School Senior

Dear Shy 9th Grader,

I totally feel for you. I remember how excited I was to make new friends in high school and start fresh. The pandemic has caused such a big obstacle when it comes to human contact, but it’s not impossible to make new friends. In my high school, clubs are still meeting virtually which is a nice way you can connect with new people, especially if it’s a club you have a deep interest in. It really comes down to looking at the clubs that your school provides and picking one you really enjoy. It’s also important to keep in mind that all 9th graders are in the same boat as you are and the chances that they’re feeling the same way as you are pretty high. So, don’t psych yourself out too much about approaching people because they most likely also want to make new friends and don’t know how. Wishing you the best of luck.

A High School Senior

Dear Shy 9th Grader,

I want to commend you for having the strength and foresight to separate from your old Middle School friends before making new friends. That takes a lot of courage and confidence! In addition, looking forward to making new friends puts you in a positive place of hopefulness. Courage, confidence and hopefulness is a great formula to begin your journey of finding new friends. You already have the ability and insight to be selective of friends who share your values. Identifying friends who share your passions and interests will follow naturally as you explore clubs at school. Perspective new friends will appreciate you making the first contact as they too might feel shy. You will be part of the first wave of teens to make treasured new friends while social distancing, so you can consider yourself a pioneer.

Dr. Renae

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a
question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website:
https://askdrrenae.com

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Ask Dr. Renae: Speaking up as a true friend

Dear Dr. Renae,

I just found out that my good friend is drinking alcohol every night to relax
and to fall asleep. I saw the bottle in her room during our FaceTime chat and she laughed it off as no big deal. I know it is normal in her home since her parents have a nightly cocktail hour. We all learn the dangers of alcohol abuse in school every year, but when it feels normal at home, how can I get her to see that this is a problem? Is it?

Worried High School Junior

 

Hello Worried HS Junior,

This is a very important issue and I am glad you came seeking help. I feel the best thing you can do is to talk directly to her about why you believe this lifestyle is destructive. While it may be normalized in her household, having to drink alcohol to go to sleep is an unhealthy practice that is most likely due to another problem in your friend’s life. If you can find what the source of her anxiety is, you can recommend healthy coping options. Remember, the best thing you can do is be there and voice your concern. Hopefully, she will understand how much you care for her and begin taking steps to stop.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Worried High School Junior,

While underage drinking is a worrisome subject, if your friend is engaging in alcohol consumption, it’s probably to help cope with stress. Many teenagers get stressed during the start of a new term and especially considering the current global climate, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Using alcohol as a crutch can became dangerous very fast and lead to unforeseen consequences. If her parents are drinking as well, it’s very easy to follow suit, but there are discrepancies between the two. It’s best to tread lightly and look for signs of alcohol dependency. If stress is the main factor in her drinking, perhaps you can try talking to her about how to relax responsibly and safely.

Your Friend

Dear Worried High School Junior,

I would definitely bring it up to your friend and let her know you are not judging, you just care about her health and safety. I would suggest having a conversation to show you are there for her. You can suggest that if she has trouble falling asleep, she can talk to her mom and they can talk to a doctor who can recommend something, instead of harming herself with alcohol every night.

A Caring Friend

Dear Worried High School Junior,

Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol daily, especially at our age, is wrong. I’m sure you know the negative things that  come with it, but your friend does not. My advice is that you shouldn’t lecture her, but instead, have a conversation about why she feels the need to drink every night. Help her tackle the root of the issue and try to get her some alternatives to alcohol, if you can. Be patient, change doesn’t happen overnight. Good luck to you and your friend.

High School Senior

Dear Worried High School Junior,

In addition to teens, adults are also worried about close family members or friends who abuse alcohol. In many families, as well as some cultures, alcohol use is normalized. Despite clearly knowing the numerous dangers, it is easy to go from use to abuse. It sounds like your friend stumbled upon the use of alcohol to fall asleep and continues this nightly routine since it works.

Exploring alternative sleep-inducing strategies is hard work and your friend might not be looking to change her plan. Reminding her of the dangers will not likely be successful, since she already knows about them. Continuing to let your friend know that you care about her very much and are very concerned, while continuing to offer alternative options in a non-judgmental way, might draw your friend away from you. Despite that risk, you cannot remain silent about your genuine worry if you wish to be a true friend and true to yourself.

More importantly, you will need to find ways to take care of yourself so the stress of worrying for your friend does not disturb your ability to maintain calm and peaceful within yourself. That is a difficult life requirement!

Dr. Renae

 

TEENS:  Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40
years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: www.askdrrenae.com

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Ask Dr. Renae: The “Friend Code”

Dear Dr. Renae,

I recently reconnected with an old friend from middle school and we have been talking a lot virtually. I really like him as more than a friend and I think he feels the same way. The problem is that he is my good friend’s ex-boyfriend. They were together for all of the eighth grade and didn’t remain friends when they broke up. I would often be caught in the middle of their problems as they both came to me for advice. Their relationship ended three years ago and we have all moved on, I think. Is it okay for me to date a good friend’s ex? Is there a “girl code” like my mother has described from when she was my age?

Confused 17-year-old

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

Essentially, yes. “Girl code” could be used for this scenario. Regardless of the time, this boy was once your friend’s boyfriend, so going out with him yourself could damage the friendship, as well as place guilt on yourself. If you really like this guy, and your friendship can withstand it, then go for it. Perhaps, try explaining to your friend that you reciprocate feelings for her ex-boyfriend and see what happens. Make sure it’s clear this wasn’t intentional or malicious. It is helpful in these situations to know that some things are circumstantial and not personal at all.

Your Friend

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

Your current situation should be handled carefully. I suggest talking to your friend and asking her if she has completely moved on and how she would feel if you and her ex got together. If she is fine with it, then go for it. However, if she has any concerns, or if she is not ok with it, then do not pursue her ex. Friendships are more valuable than romantic relationships, so make sure you do not ruin your relationship with either of them.

A High School Senior

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

I am happy you were able to reconnect with someone during the quarantine. I believe it is completely fine for you to date this person because he and your friend dated when they were much younger and very inexperienced with life. Now that all of you have grown up and most likely learned from your mistakes, it will lead to a stronger relationship .If everyone involved has moved on, it is completely fine to date this boy. If you have doubts, you can always ask your good friend about this issue. I hope this helps.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

“Girl code” can vary from person to person and what they see as “right.” I suggest that you talk to your friend before you start to date her ex-boyfriend. For a lot of people, it hurts more if they weren’t told something ahead of time. Talking with your friend will ensure she is okay and knows what’s going on. This way, if she does understand and you do start dating, you won’t lose your friendship.

A Caring Friend

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

The change in maturity from eighth grade to nearly the end of high school is incomparable to any. The amount one person grows during this time is unlike any other, so I’m sure your friend would not mind if you pursued a relationship with an ex she had in middle school. Most people in high school realize that their relationships in middle school were not meant to last. As your close friend, I am certain that she wants to see you happy, so any reservations she may have about the situation may be put to the side. However, I doubt she will have reservations as a relationship in middle school does not hold much relevance in her current day to day life. My one big piece of advice is to be sure to inform your friend of your actions, and what you plan to do next. If you go about this in a secretive manner, then it may become an issue because she will feel you are going around her. However, if you are open and honest about your feelings, I’m sure it will all work out!

A Romantic

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

It reveals a lot about your character that you are concerned about your friend’s feelings. A true friend will be open to hearing your concern and considering it sincerely so they can be honest about their feelings. You might already know your friend well enough to know how she would feel about your dating her middle school ex-boyfriend, and whether she will honestly share with you if it disturbs her. Despite not being fully grown, young teens have the capability of developing strong feelings in relationships which, while different, are just as intense as mature love. In discussing this, consider how your friend would feel if the relationship became serious enough to include all of you spending time together. Don’t forget to think about how you might feel if they become good friends again and the role was reversed with him going to her for relationship advice. How you might feel about yourself regarding dating this guy is just as important as how your friend might feel. A soul-searching conversation with yourself will help you assess the possible outcomes.

Dr. Renae

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice inBoca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com

 

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Ask Dr. Renae: Household chore discord

Dear Dr. Renae,

I am constantly in trouble for not completing my chores at the exact time my mom wants them done. For example, I like to relax after dinner and take care of the dishes later. My mother yells at me for not doing them immediately after dinner. The same goes for taking out the garbage, making my bed, taking care of my laundry and hanging up my clothes. I get it all done, just not in the time frame my mother unfairly demands. I am called disrespectful and inconsiderate, neither of which are true. This is ruining our relationship as I do not want to spend time with my mother or even talk to her when she is always angry with me. I would like to be able to relax and have peace in my home. Please help!

14-year-old Daughter

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

I procrastinate too. I find that it is best to complete my chores right away, so that you don’t have to worry about it later. Relaxing after chores will be much more rewarding that way. I suggest completing your chores on time and see if your mother continues to bother you. Mothers often take on domestic duties on top of being a caregiver and having a job, which is all incredibly stressful. She may be stressed about other things and misdirecting her anger on to you. Sit down with your mother and tell her that you value your relationship with her, but that it has been strained due to arguments over chores.

High School Sophomore

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

I completely understand what you mean. Just try to understand your mom just wants you to adapt to doing chores on your own accord, as opposed to her having to tell you to do it. If you do it immediately, it saves both you and her unnecessary stress and strain on the relationship. If it’s an imperative problem, simply talk to your mother about how you feel.

Your Friend

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

I feel you. As the daughter of a strict mother myself, I understand the struggle. In most cases parents tend to want things done their way in a timely and efficient manner. Anything otherwise would be considered procrastination and laziness, right? I’d recommend trying to communicate compromises with your mother and share your thoughts with her. A strong and positive relationship is all we ask for from our mothers and vice versa. Try to compromise on a time frame in which chores or other responsibilities should be completed that comply with both of you. Be realistic and consistent. Ensure that your chores are completed when you say they will be on your agreed terms. Build trust between both of you. You are responsible and respectful, make sure she grows to notice that. You’ve got this!

A 17-year-old Peer

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

I totally feel you. The best advice I can give you is to start by doing your tasks when she tells you to do them. Now hear me out. Talking with a parent can be difficult if they are angry. If you do your chores on time for a couple of days, your mom will be satisfied with your efforts of listening to her. Her being in a happy state is the perfect time to communicate how being called disrespectful and inconsiderate is harsh when you do get your work done. She will be more understanding of how you feel. You can also try to sort out a time frame of when to do chores. Maybe you can rest 15 minutes and then get to doing your work. Just remember, there’s a better chance your mom will listen to you if she sees you putting in an effort to satisfy her.

Been There

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

Your mom is trying to raise you to take care of your responsibilities and sounds frustrated in her efforts. Adults suffer consequences for not adhering to deadlines, such as late fees for paying bills past the due date, and accounts canceled. The consequences in those adult situations are applied without argument or discussion, just like your grade in the class automatically going down when you are late in handing in assignments. Some chores need to be done within a very specific time frame in order for the household to remain hygienic, clean, peaceful, and calm. For example, dishes need to be washed before food cakes on or insects crawl around. Garbage needs to be emptied before it overflows or smells. You might want to request a swap for chores that can be done in a less pressured time frame, such as once a day or twice a week whenever you wish, such as vacuuming or laundry. If that does not appeal to you and your mom, and you decide to keep the same chores, you can establish a written contract with the time/day each chore is to be completed. For example – dinner dishes within fifteen minutes after dinner time or garbage to be brought to curb by 6:00 am on garbage days. If you and your mom have previously discussed consequences, that should eliminate the need to argue. You will automatically lose a privilege for not complying, similar to school and adult life. You might find that you are awarded more privileges such as a later curfew and learning to drive when your mom sees you being more responsible for doing your chores without reminders.

Dr. Renae

 

 

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Ask Dr. Renae: True friends will try their best.

Dear Dr. Renae,

My father has been arrested and charged for a financial crime. The whole legal process will take a long time and he might wind up serving
time in jail. There have been ongoing news reports and social media discussions about the circumstances. My parents share with me what is important for me to know and have encouraged me to focus on my own day to day life. I have always been a private person and do not want to discuss this with anyone, including my close friends. I feel like there is an awkward distance between me and my friends. I know they care about me and are worried for my family. Even if I avoid saying anything, it feels like it is a cloud just hanging there. How can I let them know I appreciate their concern and that I just want to hang out?

Anonymous from Any City

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

I understand the fear of not wanting to share personal information with your friends, but if you want to close the awkwardness between your friends, you have to share some information about your life. You do not have to be specific about the situation – just enough that you are willing to share. After you explain the circumstances you can reassure them that they shouldn’t worry and that you just want to hang out without the seriousness of the issue pressing on you. If they are your true friends, they will understand your decision and respect your choices. Having friends to lean on in tough times always helps the situation become easier. All the best to you.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

Your friends first instincts are always going to be to help you. It’s amazing most of the time, but you’d rather not talk about what you’re going through which is completely fine. I’d suggest that you talk to your friends openly. Tell them that you appreciate them since they want to help, but you’d rather hang out and have fun because that’s what will help you right now. Your friends care a lot about you so you need to be open with them so they know you’re okay. Keep in contact with them and if you ever want to talk about it with them, you should.

High School Junior

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

You do not need to inform your friends about your personal life. If you do not feel comfortable opening up about your personal life, that is beyond okay. If they are your friends, they should understand that. But in order for them to understand that you don’t want them to be concerned about you, you have to communicate it to them. Let them know that you just want to hang out with them and not worry about your private life when you are with them. They may also be a little confused on how to address your family life which may lead to all of you feeling confused on the matter. Just let them know that you want to keep family matters out of the conversation when you are with them, and maybe in the future, when you do want to talk about it with them, they will be there for you.

Your Friend

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

Your preference for privacy is understandable, but your friends may not be aware of it. Your friends care about you and your wellbeing during this difficult time, and combined with natural curiosity, they may want to talk about it and see how you’re doing but not know that you don’t. Hopefully, the cloud hanging there will disperse once you directly, or indirectly, explain to them that you don’t like to discuss your personal life with them, or anyone, since you’re a private person.

Just Your Frank Teenager

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

True friends will try their best to honor your request; however, it is your responsibility as a true friend to clearly convey your wishes.
If you do not want to experience this awkward distance and
dark cloud, it would benefit you to let your friends know how you would like them to support you and your family. Be specific in
your requests and update your friends regularly as to how you are doing. For example, you might say: “I know there have been further news reports about my father, and it would help me if we could just watch a movie together or go swimming today.” In addition, bring up alternative topics to discuss when you are together, such as happenings in their lives, your community, and the world. If you feel the need to be silent while spending time with your friends, let them know that it helps to be with them without feeling pressured to talk. Having the support from friends will help you to feel strong and brave, so remember to nurture true friendships in your life.

Dr. Renae

 

ASK DR. RENAE recruiting high school students ALL interested in volunteering to be a Peer Counseling Writer for the Parklander’s ASK DR. RENAE teen to teen advice column. Please email Dr. Renae at askdrrenae@att.net to request an application for this exciting opportunity!

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40
years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: www.askdrrenae.com

 

 

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FROM THE EXPERT: ASK DR. RENAE

Dear Dr. Renae,

COVID-19 has had an impact on my personal training schedule and my college plans. My passion has always been the team sport I have dedicated large portions of my life to and I was hoping to continue to play on a team in college. As an athlete, the change in my training schedule and future planning has been overwhelming and confusing. If I do not get a sports scholarship to college, I need to reconsider my options. All athletes need a backup plan and I have been a good student with a competitive GPA so I can still get into a good college. I just don’t know how to focus my life on a different college experience since team sports will likely change.

Worried Junior, Rising Senior

 

Dear Worried Junior, Rising Senior,

I suggest that you sit down and create a Pros and Cons
list or a chart with your family or people who you are close with. By doing so, you will be able to figure out viable options for your future whether that includes getting a sports scholarship or not. Since times are very uncertain right now, it is likely that colleges and universities will be more lenient next year when it comes to admissions and scholarships. As long as you keep up a good GPA, you will be able to ensure a good place at a university whether or not your sport is in the picture. I wish you the best of luck!

A Caring Friend

 

Dear Worried Junior, Rising Senior,

This uncertain time with the coronavirus has caught a lot of the world off guard and has created such a dramatic shift in all of our lives. It’s ok to be uncertain about what the future holds, as I’m sure many are in the same position as you are right now. Even with all of the uncertainty, I would not give up your dreams. Of course, it is important to always have a back-up plan for college, but if you wish to play team sports in college and go on a sports scholarship, I would say to keep striving for that goal. You never know, in one year a lot can change and the circumstances may be entirely different. As someone who has been through the college admissions process, my advice is to continue to work hard and you will end up exactly where you are supposed to be!

An Understanding Friend

 

Dear Worried Junior, Rising Senior,

The current response to the pandemic has resulted in almost every person needing to reconsider how aspects of their future will unfold. As an athlete, you have been accustomed to relying on your ability to make highly successful split-second decisions on changing your course of action on the field. This inherent and learned resilience will serve you in realigning your future plans. Think about the decision-making process you automatically go through on the field and slow it down, step by step, to evaluate options for your future. The alternative opportunities you have are endless. You’ve got this!

Dr. Renae

 

ASK DR. RENAE is currently recruiting high school students interested in volunteering to be a Peer Counseling Writer for the Parklander’s ASK DR. RENAE teen to teen advice column. Please email Dr. Renae at askdrrenae@att.net to request an application for this exciting opportunity!

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: www.askdrrenae.com

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Dr. Renae: The truth about Homework

Dear Dr. Renae,

My parents continue to suspect me of not being truthful when I tell them that I do not have homework. Most of my teachers allow us to complete assignments during class time, which I usually do. I always do my best work and I get good grades. How did the amount of homework assigned ever become the measure of a good teacher?

6th grade student

Hello 6th grade student,

Parents can be frustrating to deal with. However, I’d recommend possibly showing them the completed homework and maybe going over one of the problems with them to show you understand the work. The amount of homework doesn’t equal the measure of a good teacher, but sometimes parents are worried and don’t understand where you’re coming from. In most cases, your parents want to help you and want what is best.

A concerned individual

Dear 6th grade student,

You are absolutely right in saying that the amount of homework should not determine the quality of a teacher. However, parents expect to see their children to have homework assignments. When your parents see you without work to do, they might think that it’s because you’re procrastinating. My suggestion would be to enact a “to-do list” system. Every day, when you come home from school, show your parents a list of everything you need to get done. Put anything on it, from a history project to cleaning your bedroom floor. That way, when you don’t have any school work to do, your parents will see that it’s genuinely the case because had you been given an assignment, it would be on your list.

A caring friend

Dear 6th grade student,

I feel that you should be honest with your parents and tell them everything you said in the letter. I would also ask your parents why they feel the way they do and if they are that concerned, to talk to your teacher. Since you do your homework, the teacher knows you are a responsible student and will make sure your parents understand that. Have you ever done anything that would lose your parents trust? If so, ask them how to regain it, and if not, it is silly for them not to believe you. Just keep working hard and your grades will help you go far.

Your friend, the 9th grader

Dear 6th grade student,

I know exactly where you are coming from. If you are getting good grades that’s great and you have nothing to worry about. Make sure you show your parents your grades, so they are aware that you have completed your assignments. If you have a school planner, I suggest writing down all the homework that you have to do in the planner. Once you finish your assignments whether it’s in school or at home, cross them out. Then, show your parents the planner daily and when they see all your assignments crossed out they will understand that they are done. If they still seem to have a problem after trying that, it would be time set up a conference with your parents and your teachers to work out the issue.

An understanding friend

Dear 6th grade student,

To begin, I understand that feeling. A lot of teachers do allow their students to complete assignments during class. Do your parents know you have good grades? Try sitting down with them and telling them you would not lie to them about assignments and tell them your grades are important to you. Tell them your grades are good and won’t allow them to slip. I would make them understand that you have time to complete it in class as you do, and maybe show them the assignments you completed.

A friend who understands

Dear 6th grade student,

Your parents may have had a more traditional education, which entailed many homework assignments daily as well as weekends and holidays. Teaching has evolved into more creative methods that help promote learning instead of repetition. Your parents may be considering their educational experience as a measure of a good teacher. Completed assignments and good grades might not be enough to convince your parents that you are learning. I suggest that you share with your parents what you have learned in school each day with a sentence or two for each subject. In addition, I advise you to assign yourself nightly homework which consists of reviewing your notes, organizing your notebooks, reading your textbook, studying for upcoming tests, working on assigned long-term projects, and researching information that spark your interest. Your parents might shift their focus from school homework to your learning and maturing. That will help build their trust in you.

Dr. Renae

 

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Ask Dr. Renae: My guy friends girlfriend is jealous

Dear Dr. Renae,

I have always had boys as my good friends. I cannot handle the drama and am not into girly things like make up and fashion like most girls my age. I have had several experiences where my guy friends girlfriend becomes jealous of our close relationship. I understand because my relationships with my guy friends have a strong history and we share personal experiences. I have tried becoming friends with the new girlfriend and have tried backing off completely. Neither solution works and I usually wind up getting accused of scheming to steal their boyfriend. How can I handle this better? Can’t guys and girls be just good friends?

15-year-old Good Friend

Dear 15-year-old Good Friend,

I can totally relate. I have always found that guys are easier to be friends with and I’ve been called out by people for this. The best advice I can offer is that you ask your guy friends to take the lead on this one. If the initiation of friendship or backing off comes from you, your friends’ girlfriend will see that as a threat from the onset. But if your guy friends are the ones to tell their girlfriends about you and reassure them, the girls might be more receptive.

It’s a tricky situation, but I think that with open communication on all sides, it can be solved. I wish you luck.

A Caring Teen

Dear 15-year-old Good Friend,

I understand why you feel frustrated and in the middle of things. I believe that a guy who will stay with a jealous girlfriend should make it clear to her and not put all the pressure on you to explain. He chose to date her. If she can’t accept you, I think you should back off completely and stop trying. At the end of the day, you shouldn’t have to give up any friends because of a jealous girlfriend. I would talk to your close guy friend and ask him if he’s willing to have a talk with his girlfriend to clear things up. Good luck.

Your Friend

Dear 15-year-old Good Friend,

Next time there is a girl involved with your guy friend, have him speak to her personally and explain your friendship. He can help ease the transition before you meet or talk to the new girlfriend yourself. When you do meet her, try to make an effort with her so she understands that your relationship with your guy friend is platonic and you are strictly friends. Keep in mind that it isn’t your fault if she is insecure about her relationship. You are doing your best to not interfere. Your guy friend should back you up and help his girlfriend to feel comfortable with your friendship.

A Caring Friend

Dear 15-year-old Good Friend,

It is difficult to manage spending time with a boyfriend or girlfriend, good friends, and family while trying to juggle schoolwork, sports, clubs, and even a job. Most adults struggle with managing their time between job, family, friends, exercise, household management, and hobbies. The strength of your sincere friendship with history and trust is something that surpasses a new romantic relationship. It will take a long time for your guy friend’s new girlfriend to get to know him and you will always know more about his past. Your guy friend can assure his new girlfriend that although you are close, he does not share details about her or their relationship with you. Any girlfriend will be lucky to be with a guy who has you as a friend who cares about his relationships go smoothly.

Dr. Renae

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Ask Dr. Renae: Where’s my talent?

Dear Dr. Renae,

I do not have a special talent or skill. Everyone around me excels at something – sports, music, art, dance, acting, writing, academics, etc. I keep trying out different things that might interest me, but my parents become frustrated when I no longer want to continue. They feel like they are wasting time and money on lessons or equipment. Are some people just mediocre at everything?

All around average 14-year-old

Dear Not so average 14-year-old,

You shouldn’t beat yourself up about this. You’re only 14. You still have so much more life ahead of you and I can pretty much guarantee you’re going to find something that you’re amazing at. Most of the activities your peers may be excelling in are just hobbies. Odds are their careers will have nothing to do with what they’re doing right now. Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to find something. Let it come to you!

A 15-year-old friend

Dear All around exceptional 14-year-old,

Just because you haven’t discovered a particular interest yet, doesn’t mean you’re destined for mediocrity. Everyone is special and unique for some reason or another. You might be a great listener, or good with animals. Just because you haven’t found an aptness that manifests itself as a talent doesn’t mean you don’t have exceptional qualities. For now, I would recommend to stop trying things, since neither you or your parents seem happy. When something peaks your interest, then is the time to get involved. Remember – it’s not your hobbies or talents that define you, it’s your innermost personality traits, which cannot be quantified or qualified.

A caring teen

Dear All around average 14-year-old,

You are not mediocre at everything, you just haven’t worked at anything hard enough to really see if it is right for you. Everyone has an activity that is right for them and don’t worry if you haven’t found yours yet because you are not the only one. Don’t give up and keep trying to find the one that suits your interests. You also do not need to spend money to try activities. When school starts again, join a club or a school sport to try it out. When you find something you like, try to stick with it and continue to work at it. Hard work and dedication matter more than natural talent and you can only get better at something when you do it often.

A caring friend

Dear All around average 14-year-old,

I know exactly what you’re going through. I didn’t find a sport I liked until I was 16. Just like you, my parents felt they were wasting their time and money for me to find something I enjoyed. However, this doesn’t mean that you’re mediocre, it just means you haven’t found the right activity that you particularly excel at yet. This is completely okay. People develop their love for something at different times in life. If you end up like me, you’ll find your talent or skill when you least expect it.

A former try-it-all

Dear All around average 14-year-old,

I would definitely not say mediocre. Everybody is different with different talents and skills. I would suggest applying for a job to help pay for your pursuits. Maybe it’s not a talent or a sport, but something creative and productive you can do. Not everything is for everyone. If your parents are frustrated with you, tell them it was a learning experience for you – not a waste. It would be more of a waste to keep going on with something you don’t enjoy. You’re still young, and your life will work itself out.

A friend who’s been there

 

Dear All around average 14-year-old,

Everyone finds their passion sooner or later in life. Don’t let others who have passions frustrate you. I think it’s great that you are willing to try different things and branch out. Maybe you can volunteer for some of the activities you want to get involved in to see if you like it before making a financial commitment. Most important, don’t compare yourself to others, be happy with yourself and the accomplishments you have made.

Another 14-year-old who is passionate about lots of things

Dear All around average 14-year-old,

Excelling at a sport or hobby does not guarantee that you will enjoy it. Always competing with others or yourself can be stressful and detract from the unique pleasure of something that fulfills you. The competition mindset that drives you to strive for greater skill can also lead to unhealthy habits and injuries from overtraining. When you truly enjoy an activity, you will want to do it more often and that generally leads to improvement. I recommend that you change your goal of searching for a skill you excel at, to searching for activities and hobbies which you enjoy, regardless of your level of talent.

Dr. Renae

 

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