Tag: ask dr. renae

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Ask Dr. Renae: Speaking up as a true friend

Dear Dr. Renae,

I just found out that my good friend is drinking alcohol every night to relax
and to fall asleep. I saw the bottle in her room during our FaceTime chat and she laughed it off as no big deal. I know it is normal in her home since her parents have a nightly cocktail hour. We all learn the dangers of alcohol abuse in school every year, but when it feels normal at home, how can I get her to see that this is a problem? Is it?

Worried High School Junior

 

Hello Worried HS Junior,

This is a very important issue and I am glad you came seeking help. I feel the best thing you can do is to talk directly to her about why you believe this lifestyle is destructive. While it may be normalized in her household, having to drink alcohol to go to sleep is an unhealthy practice that is most likely due to another problem in your friend’s life. If you can find what the source of her anxiety is, you can recommend healthy coping options. Remember, the best thing you can do is be there and voice your concern. Hopefully, she will understand how much you care for her and begin taking steps to stop.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Worried High School Junior,

While underage drinking is a worrisome subject, if your friend is engaging in alcohol consumption, it’s probably to help cope with stress. Many teenagers get stressed during the start of a new term and especially considering the current global climate, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Using alcohol as a crutch can became dangerous very fast and lead to unforeseen consequences. If her parents are drinking as well, it’s very easy to follow suit, but there are discrepancies between the two. It’s best to tread lightly and look for signs of alcohol dependency. If stress is the main factor in her drinking, perhaps you can try talking to her about how to relax responsibly and safely.

Your Friend

Dear Worried High School Junior,

I would definitely bring it up to your friend and let her know you are not judging, you just care about her health and safety. I would suggest having a conversation to show you are there for her. You can suggest that if she has trouble falling asleep, she can talk to her mom and they can talk to a doctor who can recommend something, instead of harming herself with alcohol every night.

A Caring Friend

Dear Worried High School Junior,

Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol daily, especially at our age, is wrong. I’m sure you know the negative things that  come with it, but your friend does not. My advice is that you shouldn’t lecture her, but instead, have a conversation about why she feels the need to drink every night. Help her tackle the root of the issue and try to get her some alternatives to alcohol, if you can. Be patient, change doesn’t happen overnight. Good luck to you and your friend.

High School Senior

Dear Worried High School Junior,

In addition to teens, adults are also worried about close family members or friends who abuse alcohol. In many families, as well as some cultures, alcohol use is normalized. Despite clearly knowing the numerous dangers, it is easy to go from use to abuse. It sounds like your friend stumbled upon the use of alcohol to fall asleep and continues this nightly routine since it works.

Exploring alternative sleep-inducing strategies is hard work and your friend might not be looking to change her plan. Reminding her of the dangers will not likely be successful, since she already knows about them. Continuing to let your friend know that you care about her very much and are very concerned, while continuing to offer alternative options in a non-judgmental way, might draw your friend away from you. Despite that risk, you cannot remain silent about your genuine worry if you wish to be a true friend and true to yourself.

More importantly, you will need to find ways to take care of yourself so the stress of worrying for your friend does not disturb your ability to maintain calm and peaceful within yourself. That is a difficult life requirement!

Dr. Renae

 

TEENS:  Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40
years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: www.askdrrenae.com

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Ask Dr. Renae: The “Friend Code”

Dear Dr. Renae,

I recently reconnected with an old friend from middle school and we have been talking a lot virtually. I really like him as more than a friend and I think he feels the same way. The problem is that he is my good friend’s ex-boyfriend. They were together for all of the eighth grade and didn’t remain friends when they broke up. I would often be caught in the middle of their problems as they both came to me for advice. Their relationship ended three years ago and we have all moved on, I think. Is it okay for me to date a good friend’s ex? Is there a “girl code” like my mother has described from when she was my age?

Confused 17-year-old

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

Essentially, yes. “Girl code” could be used for this scenario. Regardless of the time, this boy was once your friend’s boyfriend, so going out with him yourself could damage the friendship, as well as place guilt on yourself. If you really like this guy, and your friendship can withstand it, then go for it. Perhaps, try explaining to your friend that you reciprocate feelings for her ex-boyfriend and see what happens. Make sure it’s clear this wasn’t intentional or malicious. It is helpful in these situations to know that some things are circumstantial and not personal at all.

Your Friend

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

Your current situation should be handled carefully. I suggest talking to your friend and asking her if she has completely moved on and how she would feel if you and her ex got together. If she is fine with it, then go for it. However, if she has any concerns, or if she is not ok with it, then do not pursue her ex. Friendships are more valuable than romantic relationships, so make sure you do not ruin your relationship with either of them.

A High School Senior

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

I am happy you were able to reconnect with someone during the quarantine. I believe it is completely fine for you to date this person because he and your friend dated when they were much younger and very inexperienced with life. Now that all of you have grown up and most likely learned from your mistakes, it will lead to a stronger relationship .If everyone involved has moved on, it is completely fine to date this boy. If you have doubts, you can always ask your good friend about this issue. I hope this helps.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

“Girl code” can vary from person to person and what they see as “right.” I suggest that you talk to your friend before you start to date her ex-boyfriend. For a lot of people, it hurts more if they weren’t told something ahead of time. Talking with your friend will ensure she is okay and knows what’s going on. This way, if she does understand and you do start dating, you won’t lose your friendship.

A Caring Friend

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

The change in maturity from eighth grade to nearly the end of high school is incomparable to any. The amount one person grows during this time is unlike any other, so I’m sure your friend would not mind if you pursued a relationship with an ex she had in middle school. Most people in high school realize that their relationships in middle school were not meant to last. As your close friend, I am certain that she wants to see you happy, so any reservations she may have about the situation may be put to the side. However, I doubt she will have reservations as a relationship in middle school does not hold much relevance in her current day to day life. My one big piece of advice is to be sure to inform your friend of your actions, and what you plan to do next. If you go about this in a secretive manner, then it may become an issue because she will feel you are going around her. However, if you are open and honest about your feelings, I’m sure it will all work out!

A Romantic

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

It reveals a lot about your character that you are concerned about your friend’s feelings. A true friend will be open to hearing your concern and considering it sincerely so they can be honest about their feelings. You might already know your friend well enough to know how she would feel about your dating her middle school ex-boyfriend, and whether she will honestly share with you if it disturbs her. Despite not being fully grown, young teens have the capability of developing strong feelings in relationships which, while different, are just as intense as mature love. In discussing this, consider how your friend would feel if the relationship became serious enough to include all of you spending time together. Don’t forget to think about how you might feel if they become good friends again and the role was reversed with him going to her for relationship advice. How you might feel about yourself regarding dating this guy is just as important as how your friend might feel. A soul-searching conversation with yourself will help you assess the possible outcomes.

Dr. Renae

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice inBoca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com

 

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Ask Dr. Renae: Household chore discord

Dear Dr. Renae,

I am constantly in trouble for not completing my chores at the exact time my mom wants them done. For example, I like to relax after dinner and take care of the dishes later. My mother yells at me for not doing them immediately after dinner. The same goes for taking out the garbage, making my bed, taking care of my laundry and hanging up my clothes. I get it all done, just not in the time frame my mother unfairly demands. I am called disrespectful and inconsiderate, neither of which are true. This is ruining our relationship as I do not want to spend time with my mother or even talk to her when she is always angry with me. I would like to be able to relax and have peace in my home. Please help!

14-year-old Daughter

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

I procrastinate too. I find that it is best to complete my chores right away, so that you don’t have to worry about it later. Relaxing after chores will be much more rewarding that way. I suggest completing your chores on time and see if your mother continues to bother you. Mothers often take on domestic duties on top of being a caregiver and having a job, which is all incredibly stressful. She may be stressed about other things and misdirecting her anger on to you. Sit down with your mother and tell her that you value your relationship with her, but that it has been strained due to arguments over chores.

High School Sophomore

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

I completely understand what you mean. Just try to understand your mom just wants you to adapt to doing chores on your own accord, as opposed to her having to tell you to do it. If you do it immediately, it saves both you and her unnecessary stress and strain on the relationship. If it’s an imperative problem, simply talk to your mother about how you feel.

Your Friend

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

I feel you. As the daughter of a strict mother myself, I understand the struggle. In most cases parents tend to want things done their way in a timely and efficient manner. Anything otherwise would be considered procrastination and laziness, right? I’d recommend trying to communicate compromises with your mother and share your thoughts with her. A strong and positive relationship is all we ask for from our mothers and vice versa. Try to compromise on a time frame in which chores or other responsibilities should be completed that comply with both of you. Be realistic and consistent. Ensure that your chores are completed when you say they will be on your agreed terms. Build trust between both of you. You are responsible and respectful, make sure she grows to notice that. You’ve got this!

A 17-year-old Peer

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

I totally feel you. The best advice I can give you is to start by doing your tasks when she tells you to do them. Now hear me out. Talking with a parent can be difficult if they are angry. If you do your chores on time for a couple of days, your mom will be satisfied with your efforts of listening to her. Her being in a happy state is the perfect time to communicate how being called disrespectful and inconsiderate is harsh when you do get your work done. She will be more understanding of how you feel. You can also try to sort out a time frame of when to do chores. Maybe you can rest 15 minutes and then get to doing your work. Just remember, there’s a better chance your mom will listen to you if she sees you putting in an effort to satisfy her.

Been There

Dear 14-year-old Daughter,

Your mom is trying to raise you to take care of your responsibilities and sounds frustrated in her efforts. Adults suffer consequences for not adhering to deadlines, such as late fees for paying bills past the due date, and accounts canceled. The consequences in those adult situations are applied without argument or discussion, just like your grade in the class automatically going down when you are late in handing in assignments. Some chores need to be done within a very specific time frame in order for the household to remain hygienic, clean, peaceful, and calm. For example, dishes need to be washed before food cakes on or insects crawl around. Garbage needs to be emptied before it overflows or smells. You might want to request a swap for chores that can be done in a less pressured time frame, such as once a day or twice a week whenever you wish, such as vacuuming or laundry. If that does not appeal to you and your mom, and you decide to keep the same chores, you can establish a written contract with the time/day each chore is to be completed. For example – dinner dishes within fifteen minutes after dinner time or garbage to be brought to curb by 6:00 am on garbage days. If you and your mom have previously discussed consequences, that should eliminate the need to argue. You will automatically lose a privilege for not complying, similar to school and adult life. You might find that you are awarded more privileges such as a later curfew and learning to drive when your mom sees you being more responsible for doing your chores without reminders.

Dr. Renae

 

 

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Ask Dr. Renae: True friends will try their best.

Dear Dr. Renae,

My father has been arrested and charged for a financial crime. The whole legal process will take a long time and he might wind up serving
time in jail. There have been ongoing news reports and social media discussions about the circumstances. My parents share with me what is important for me to know and have encouraged me to focus on my own day to day life. I have always been a private person and do not want to discuss this with anyone, including my close friends. I feel like there is an awkward distance between me and my friends. I know they care about me and are worried for my family. Even if I avoid saying anything, it feels like it is a cloud just hanging there. How can I let them know I appreciate their concern and that I just want to hang out?

Anonymous from Any City

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

I understand the fear of not wanting to share personal information with your friends, but if you want to close the awkwardness between your friends, you have to share some information about your life. You do not have to be specific about the situation – just enough that you are willing to share. After you explain the circumstances you can reassure them that they shouldn’t worry and that you just want to hang out without the seriousness of the issue pressing on you. If they are your true friends, they will understand your decision and respect your choices. Having friends to lean on in tough times always helps the situation become easier. All the best to you.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

Your friends first instincts are always going to be to help you. It’s amazing most of the time, but you’d rather not talk about what you’re going through which is completely fine. I’d suggest that you talk to your friends openly. Tell them that you appreciate them since they want to help, but you’d rather hang out and have fun because that’s what will help you right now. Your friends care a lot about you so you need to be open with them so they know you’re okay. Keep in contact with them and if you ever want to talk about it with them, you should.

High School Junior

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

You do not need to inform your friends about your personal life. If you do not feel comfortable opening up about your personal life, that is beyond okay. If they are your friends, they should understand that. But in order for them to understand that you don’t want them to be concerned about you, you have to communicate it to them. Let them know that you just want to hang out with them and not worry about your private life when you are with them. They may also be a little confused on how to address your family life which may lead to all of you feeling confused on the matter. Just let them know that you want to keep family matters out of the conversation when you are with them, and maybe in the future, when you do want to talk about it with them, they will be there for you.

Your Friend

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

Your preference for privacy is understandable, but your friends may not be aware of it. Your friends care about you and your wellbeing during this difficult time, and combined with natural curiosity, they may want to talk about it and see how you’re doing but not know that you don’t. Hopefully, the cloud hanging there will disperse once you directly, or indirectly, explain to them that you don’t like to discuss your personal life with them, or anyone, since you’re a private person.

Just Your Frank Teenager

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

True friends will try their best to honor your request; however, it is your responsibility as a true friend to clearly convey your wishes.
If you do not want to experience this awkward distance and
dark cloud, it would benefit you to let your friends know how you would like them to support you and your family. Be specific in
your requests and update your friends regularly as to how you are doing. For example, you might say: “I know there have been further news reports about my father, and it would help me if we could just watch a movie together or go swimming today.” In addition, bring up alternative topics to discuss when you are together, such as happenings in their lives, your community, and the world. If you feel the need to be silent while spending time with your friends, let them know that it helps to be with them without feeling pressured to talk. Having the support from friends will help you to feel strong and brave, so remember to nurture true friendships in your life.

Dr. Renae

 

ASK DR. RENAE recruiting high school students ALL interested in volunteering to be a Peer Counseling Writer for the Parklander’s ASK DR. RENAE teen to teen advice column. Please email Dr. Renae at askdrrenae@att.net to request an application for this exciting opportunity!

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40
years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: www.askdrrenae.com

 

 

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FROM THE EXPERT: ASK DR. RENAE

Dear Dr. Renae,

COVID-19 has had an impact on my personal training schedule and my college plans. My passion has always been the team sport I have dedicated large portions of my life to and I was hoping to continue to play on a team in college. As an athlete, the change in my training schedule and future planning has been overwhelming and confusing. If I do not get a sports scholarship to college, I need to reconsider my options. All athletes need a backup plan and I have been a good student with a competitive GPA so I can still get into a good college. I just don’t know how to focus my life on a different college experience since team sports will likely change.

Worried Junior, Rising Senior

 

Dear Worried Junior, Rising Senior,

I suggest that you sit down and create a Pros and Cons
list or a chart with your family or people who you are close with. By doing so, you will be able to figure out viable options for your future whether that includes getting a sports scholarship or not. Since times are very uncertain right now, it is likely that colleges and universities will be more lenient next year when it comes to admissions and scholarships. As long as you keep up a good GPA, you will be able to ensure a good place at a university whether or not your sport is in the picture. I wish you the best of luck!

A Caring Friend

 

Dear Worried Junior, Rising Senior,

This uncertain time with the coronavirus has caught a lot of the world off guard and has created such a dramatic shift in all of our lives. It’s ok to be uncertain about what the future holds, as I’m sure many are in the same position as you are right now. Even with all of the uncertainty, I would not give up your dreams. Of course, it is important to always have a back-up plan for college, but if you wish to play team sports in college and go on a sports scholarship, I would say to keep striving for that goal. You never know, in one year a lot can change and the circumstances may be entirely different. As someone who has been through the college admissions process, my advice is to continue to work hard and you will end up exactly where you are supposed to be!

An Understanding Friend

 

Dear Worried Junior, Rising Senior,

The current response to the pandemic has resulted in almost every person needing to reconsider how aspects of their future will unfold. As an athlete, you have been accustomed to relying on your ability to make highly successful split-second decisions on changing your course of action on the field. This inherent and learned resilience will serve you in realigning your future plans. Think about the decision-making process you automatically go through on the field and slow it down, step by step, to evaluate options for your future. The alternative opportunities you have are endless. You’ve got this!

Dr. Renae

 

ASK DR. RENAE is currently recruiting high school students interested in volunteering to be a Peer Counseling Writer for the Parklander’s ASK DR. RENAE teen to teen advice column. Please email Dr. Renae at askdrrenae@att.net to request an application for this exciting opportunity!

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: www.askdrrenae.com

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