Dear Dr. Renae,
My parents are always encouraging me to include their friend’s daughter when I get together with my group of friends, even though she really does not fit in. It is awkward and uncomfortable expecting my friends to like her. Being in the middle is a big responsibility and I wind up feeling anxious instead of having fun. She is nice sometimes but other times obnoxious, which is why she does not have many friends. I don’t like arguing with my parents about this but it is not fair to me and they do not understand the social pressures with girls my age. How can I get them to see it from my side? Don’t I get to pick my own friends?
Frustrated 7th grade girl
Dear frustrated 7th grade girl,
It’s sometimes hard to be inclusive, especially if you’re being told to do so. It might help to open up communication with your parents. Let them know of your anxiousness when you are hanging out together as a group. It may even help to have your friends included in this conversation sharing the awkwardness you feel. However, talking to your parents isn’t your only option. It’s not every day you must hang out with her or include her in your plans. When you are together it might also be beneficial to talk to your friend about your feelings, and perhaps you can solve the problem without parental intervention.
Been in your position before
Dear frustrated seventh grade girl,
I think that just because someone doesn’t necessarily fit in with “your group” doesn’t mean they’re not worthy of having friends. I understand it can be awkward though and you would prefer spending time with your own friends. Perhaps, you can spend time with her individually opposed to with your group of friends, so that it won’t put your friends on the spot to like her and spend time with her as well. I think that your parents must make sacrifices for you and you might have to do something (not so fun) so they can have friends too. It is also a good idea to communicate your side of the story to your parents. You want to have fun and be a seventh grader without being held back by doing something your not comfortable with- I’m sure they’ll understand. Maybe you can make a deal that you’ll spend time with her once a week or something of that sort.
13 year old friend
Dear Frustrated 7th grade girl,
You’re in a sticky situation and you are absolutely right when you say that you have the right to pick your own friends. At the same time, it’s important that you recognize that your parents mean well. They want to make sure their friend’s daughter has people to talk to and hang out with. Have you tried sitting down with your parents for a calm conversation? Instead of getting frustrated whenever your parents tell you to invite this girl, explain why it isn’t a good idea for the girl herself and they would probably be more receptive to your opinion. Try telling them that she does not fit in with your other friends, and inviting her to your hangouts just makes things awkward for her. If your parents understood this, they would likely be less insistent upon you inviting this girl to your get-togethers. At the same time, that’s not to say that you should drop the girl altogether. The best thing to do would be to find a time to invite her over when you’re not with your other friends. Granted, this will likely be harder for you, as she will be the only person to talk to, but you will remove the anxiety of her not fitting in. Even if you’re not thrilled at the idea of continuing to invite this girl over, think about what it must be like to be in her place and you will be more willing to do her a kindness and hang out with her.
A caring teen
Dear Frustrated 7th grade girl,
I have experienced something similar to this as well when I was younger, so I totally get where you’re coming from. You mentioned that your parents don’t see this from your point of view. Unfortunately, talking to them I think is the only way you can fix this situation. Its possible that the conversation you had with your parents was approached the wrong way. You should try a civil, sympathetic approach. Nothing too harsh to make you seem like the bad guy. Try to get them to sympathize with you and understand where you’re coming from. Explain how its not fun for anyone, especially the girl, if she doesn’t fit in and all of you are forced to hang out with each other. I’m sure she can tell that you all don’t like her very much, which would be very hurtful for her. It may be best for you to go your separate ways for both parties involved.
An understanding 16 year old girl
Dear Frustrated 7th grade girl,
I totally understand your situation. It’s hard to bring in a new person to a friend group after everyone is already close with each other. Let your friends know to try and welcome her into the group and plan a fun event with everyone to try and bring them all together. If that doesn’t seem to work, it might be best to hang out with the girl separately from your friends. You never know, she could actually be a really great person. Maybe something like a movie or going out to dinner could strengthen your friendship with her. Talk to your parents and tell them honestly how you feel with her in your friend group and they should understand.
A caring friend
Dear Frustrated 7th Grade Girl,
The social pressures with girls your age, as well as Elementary and High school have contributed to depression, anxiety and even suicide. Many adults today have shared how traumatic their social relationships were and the negative ways it has impacted their lives. Being kind to someone who does not fit in can truly be life saving. Over time, that kindness from you as well as your friends, may help to inspire this friend to feel more comfortable with herself and be more kind to others in return. There might be problems this girl is experiencing which contribute to her social awkwardness. You are right in feeling that it is a big responsibility and uncomfortable to be in charge of helping someone to fit in. I suggest that you invite this girl to get togethers which you host or plan. This invite must be sincere from your heart as no one appreciates being pitied. Select the kindest members of your group and ask them to assist you in making this other girl feel more comfortable. Your parents will be heartened by your efforts. Knowing that you treated others kindly will feel joyful in your own heart. You will not regret it.
Dr. Renae