Dear Dr. Renae,
I feel very uncomfortable remaining friends with a long-term close friend of mine. She continues to be good friends with a group of people who betrayed me. I was blamed for things that were not my fault and was then ignored and abandoned. It was hurtful and I was devastated by this experience. My close friend has been there for me for three years and it is very difficult for me to make new friends. I find myself having trouble trusting her. How should I handle this?
Confused 17-year-old
Dear Confused,
It’s sad but true, you often see situations like this among petty and dramatic high school girls. I get that it’s hard to stay friends with someone who’s other friends betrayed and hurt you. You do have to understand that while it was wrong of them to treat you this way, they didn’t do any wrong to your friend so she has no reason to resent them. I think the best way to handle any high school drama is to talk to her. Talking out a situation is always the best option to avoid anyone’s feelings being further damaged. Tell her how you feel about her remaining close with those who hurt you. The only way she will understand and be able to change her behaviors will be making her aware of how you feel.
A True Friend
Dear Confused,
I understand where you are coming from. It’s hard to continue trusting people after others have betrayed you. You can’t expect her to stop being friends with them over something they did to you. It’s not fair to expect that of her since they never did anything to her. You can try to get your old friends back if you really want to be friends with them again. You would have to trust them and they would have to trust you. Since this friend is still friends with those who betrayed you, keep your eyes open and be careful with what you say and do. I do think you should continue to be friends with her though. She hasn’t fully picked your side or fully picked their side, so she may actually have a good point of view of the situation and see the good and the bad of both sides.
A Trusting Friend
Dear Confused,
If you’re feeling like you can’t trust your friend, then something needs to change. A friendship without trust is an unhealthy friendship. This doesn’t mean that you need to stop talking to your friend altogether, but you should definitely distance yourself, at least for the time being. Talk to your friend about the things she did that upset you and tell her that you think it’s time for a break. In the meantime, try putting yourself out there to make other friends. I know it is difficult, but it’ll be beneficial in the long run. Sit next to new people at the lunch table. Join a new after-school club. Do what you can to start mingling with a different crowd. Chances are, you’ll find your niche. If after a while you’re willing to give the relationship with your friend another shot, go ahead. But if you do, you’ll be in control of where the friendship is headed. You won’t let yourself be hurt again, and that’s what really counts. Best of luck!
A Caring Teen
Dear Confused,
I would talk to your friend and tell her how you feel. You could also talk to the group of girls and tell them how you feel, and ask if you can start over. I’m sure your friend will understand if she is a true friend. A true friend is someone who sticks by your side and doesn’t betray you. You might need to evaluate how close of a friend she is and how much she means to you. I think it is hard to let go of friends but you must value yourself and your worth. Try seeking new loyal friendships from activities, sports, or hobbies.
Been There Done That
Dear Confused,
Like you, I have a lot of trouble making new friends too. I recently found myself relying on one friend and need to branch out more. What I recommend is that you take a step out of your comfort zone (easier said than done, I know) and find someone else before you break it off with your other friend. I’m sorry for the misfortunes that have come your way and I hope you find new friends that won’t hurt you.
Someone Who Cares
Dear Confused,
Issues can’t ever get resolved if they aren’t aired. It is possible your friend is not at all aware of how you feel about her group of friends? Even if she is, make sure to talk to her, find a good time and place for just the two of you. Really let all your feelings out. If she doesn’t seem to change her ways and you still have trouble trusting her then it’s time to try to make some new friends. I would suggest joining a club, youth group, band, choir, or even take part in a team sport. Whatever you find interesting or you are good at would be ideal. Once you find something that you really like to do, there will always be people with common interests. Spending time with other people doing things you like is a great way to make friends. Even for a bit try to distance yourself from the negativity and have fun.
A Friend
Dear Confused,
It is normal to feel uncomfortable to interact with friends who are friendly with those who have wronged you, especially if it is a good friend. While you can’t control who people are friends with, you should take into consideration that she is a close, long-time friend of yours. If you are as close as you have stated, it might be good to tell her how you truly feel about the situation. Making your friend aware of how you feel is a good place to start. Talking it out and discussing the predicament you feel that you face may ease your worry. Thus, you won’t have to sacrifice your friendship.
Been Here Before
Dear Confused 17-year-old,
Friendships often have similar complications in adulthood as well as between family members and in the workplace. Your parents might understand how you feel and are a valuable resource based on their own experiences. Being caught in the middle with conflicting loyalties is likely making your good friend feel uncomfortable as well. Do you find that spending time with her is difficult to enjoy as you are continually distracted by your memories of feeling abandoned by her current friends? If so, you can let your friend know that it is your problem to continue to work on. Do you find yourself suspicious of your friend’s loyalty to you, constantly worrying if she is judging you or sharing information about you with the others? If so, that is a relationship issue for the two of you to discuss. It is certainly tricky, but very possible for you to continue to enjoy your relationship with your valued friend. It will take much effort and intention, however, you can also learn to minimize your hurt memories by focusing on the positive aspects of your current life as well as your exciting future. If over time, these memories are still haunting you, a therapist can help you in putting this aspect of your life in perspective so it will not interfere with your future relationships. It will be well worth the effort!