Before we get to the dozens of warning letters the Federal Trade Commission has sent out to companies promising a variety of questionable Coronavirus remedies, we owe a sincere apology to the people of China.
Thousands of Chinese immigrants entered this country in the mid-1800s to help build the Transcontinental Railroad. Some brought with them the oil of Chinese water snakes. Rich in omega-3 fatty acids, it was actually helpful in treating arthritis and bursitis. In other words: It really worked.
“As word of the healing powers of Chinese snake oil grew,” NPR wrote in 2013, “many Americans wondered how they could make their own snake oil. Because there were no Chinese water snakes handy in the American West, many healers began using rattlesnakes . . .”
Under the fraudulent shade of a faux umbrella strode one Clark Beauregard Stanley, aka The Rattlesnake King, circa 1897. I made up that middle name. He just seemed to need one.
Stanley reached into a sack, plucked out a snake, slit it open and plunged it into boiling water. When the fat rose to the top, he skimmed it off and used it on the spot to create ‘Stanley’s Snake Oil,’ a liniment that was immediately snapped up by the throng that had gathered to watch the spectacle
– Joe Schwarcz, Director, McGill University’s Office for Science and Society
Okay, stick with me now. In the first place, Chinese snake oil contains almost triple the amount of the soothing ingredient as rattlesnake oil. So, there’s that. And in the second place, the first place doesn’t make a spit of difference anyway because The Rattlesnake King’s snake oil was missing one key ingredient: Snake oil. Any kind of snake oil. So put that in your neti pot and breathe deeply. Before I move on to Covid-19 cures questioned by the FTC, masks that are paid for but never received, and even fake coronavirus test sites, let me finish my explanation of the expression “snake oil salesman.” It’s worth the wait.
The expression “snake oil salesman”, meaning purveyors of patent medicines and other miscellaneous and sundry quackeries, didn’t come to the attention of lexicologists until 1917. Other words that came into common use that year include “acquired brain injury”, “bubblehead”, “chowhound”, and “congresswoman”.
About that last one, Jeannette Rankin entered the U.S. House of Representatives in 1917 as the first woman in Congress. They called her “the lady of the house.” And, yes, that will be on the test.
. . standing on a street corner in hell right now, making suckers of the damned, telling them there’s nothing like snake oil for a bad burn
Eugene O’Neill, ‘The Iceman Cometh’
While there are, indeed, legitimate test sites in Palm Beach and Broward counties, the Federal Trade Commission warned in late April that nationwide “there’s no shortage of scammers setting up fake COVID-19 testing sites.” While none has been reported in Florida so far, “fake sites can look real, with legitimate-looking signs, tents, hazmat suits, and realistic-looking tests.
“And the damage these fake testing sites can cause is very real. They aren’t following sanitation protocols, so they can spread the virus. They’re taking people’s personal information, including Social Security numbers, credit card information, and other health information – all of which can be used for identity theft and to run up your credit card bill.”
If you’re not sure a site is legitimate, the FTC advises, check with your local police or sheriff’s office. “If a legitimate testing site has been set up, they should know about it. And if a fake testing site is operating, they’ll want to know about it.”
Crooked creatures of a thousand dubious trades
That breed like gnats from the débris of war;
Half-cracked herb-doctor, patent-medicine man
With his accordion and his inked silk hat;
Sellers of snake-oil balm and lucky rings
Stephen Vincent Benét, ‘John Brown’s Body’
Florida may not have any fake test sites, but a number of companies in the state have been issued warning letters by the FTC about questionable advertising claims.
The web site of a Bradenton “church” offered a “Miracle Mineral Solution” (MMS) intended to “cure, mitigate, treat, prevent, or diagnose Coronavirus.”
MMS, for those of you not up on your “miracle minerals” is chlorine dioxide, (CIO2), consisting of one chlorine atom and two oxygen atoms. That’s your basic fourth-grade chemistry. Right?
There are, in fact, limited legitimate internal uses for diluted chlorine dioxide, like some mouthwashes. The FTC, however, questions other claims the website made for MMS, a “protocol” the organization called an “official sacrament.”
An 85-year-old man suffering “various serious” Coronavirus symptoms, the company claimed, was given “a liter bottle of water which had 20 activated drops of MMS added to it.”
“He was instructed to take a sip from the bottle every five minutes, but not to let it go past 10 minutes.” After alterations to the dosage the elderly man “is recovering quickly — 90% improved. The rest of the family who also took MMS are now fully recovered.” Wow.
Elsewhere in Florida, a St. Petersburg company was warned by the FTC about claiming that stem cell therapy can treat or prevent Coronavirus.
Another Florida company claimed that a “Chinese medical team report successful treatment of Coronavirus patients with high doses of Vitamin C.” Intravenous Vitamin C is one of the more common targets of FTC warning letters.
A Fort Lauderdale company, with branches in Boca Raton and West Palm Beach was making similar claims on its website but dropped them as soon as it heard from the FTC.
A Naples-based acupuncture and other health solutions firm was marketing a “COVID-19 Homeopathy Treatment Kit” claiming they were “effective for 80% of people.” I only hope the kit contained more of the health solutions stuff than do-it-yourself acupuncture needles.
“Black Seed Oil,” was the cure of choice of another Florida company, whose site claimed it is “believed to be the miracle cure for all diseases except death.” Wow. Really? I’m sure those afflicted with cancer or heart disease or other fatal ailments would love to hear about it.
Of course, questionable or unproven COVID treatments aren’t restricted to Florida, or even the United States. They are as virulent as the actual virus.
In Athens, Maine, for example, an “herb farm” received a letter from the FTC questioning the preventative quality of its “HERBAL ALLIES.” Among them: (Take this down.) “hyssop, burdock, astragalus, Japanese knotweed, chaga, reishi, birch polypore and red raspberry leaves.”
Red raspberry leaves, huh? Raspberries? Well, I know a few companies that deserve a really, really big one.
Anyone? Anyone?