advice Archives -

March 22, 2021February 23, 2021

Ask Dr. Renae: Worried about the cost of the COVID school gap

Dear Dr. Renae,

I hear some teachers commenting on this school year being a lost year and all the students winding up a year behind. I am aware that I didn’t learn as much as I would have since online was not as good as in person for some subjects. I worry about being prepared for college entrance exams and college coursework. I am even more worried about my younger sister who is struggling to learn how to read. I notice how frustrated the teachers are as well. Many of my peers are upset about missing out on social activities but I am thinking about my future. Am I weird for worrying about my education?

Unprepared High School Junior

Dear Unprepared High School Junior,

It is completely normal to be worried about your education! Education is a major cornerstone in our lives, so I understand where you are coming from. It helps to remem-ber that every person in the world is facing the same issue that is happening to you, and so I believe people will be more mindful and understanding of the circumstances you have come from. You could not control the cards you were dealt, and educators know that. It is my belief that they will have to be accommodating to any issues that may arise from online education, if they would want to dutifully fulfill their jobs. Hopefully, I assuaged some of your fears, and I wish you the best of luck in your academic journey.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Unprepared High School Junior,

It’s completely understandable being concerned about your academics. Commendable, even. Whilst students have been heavily affected by this pandemic, it’s important to re-main optimistic. Junior year is a crucial time for prospective university students but with everything going on, universities might be lenient with requirements. Now is also a fantastic time to build your student resumé. If you haven’t already decided on a university, now is the perfect time to take a look and reach out to universities. This is the fun part! As far as preparation goes, there’s plenty of practice SAT samplequestions available online as well as books to read. It’s important to be studious but not too hard on yourself. Stay safe!

A Caring Friend

Dear Unprepared Junior,

You are not weird for worrying about your education at all. From reading your submission, I can tell you care about your education which is really important. Since I’m not in college just yet, I asked my 25-year-old sister for some advice I could give you. The best thing she told me was from her college experience, as long as you keep up your studying, work ethic and motivation, you will be fi ne. To tell you the truth, she told me that high school did not prepare her for college; college prepared her for college. Stressing right now over something you don’t know will happen will drive you crazy! It’s best to start good habits during online school that you can later use in college. I hope this helps!

Your Friend

Dear Unprepared Junior,

It is true that most students did not learn as much academic curriculum as they would have if school was in person as usual. The timing and speed at which learning takes place, however, is not indicative of future happiness and success. Many professionals took an unexpected alternative path and timeline in preparing for their career which helped better lead them toward success. Struggling with the lifestyle changes required during the pandemic has given you an opportunity to learn much more than academics. Conquering boredom and anxiety, along with navigating a new daily structure has taught you flexibility, creativity, and perseverance. Those skills help you to be significantly prepared for college as well as your future. Take pride in the personal growth you have experienced in order to acquire more confidence in your ability to adapt to the future.

Dr. Renae

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

PARENTS OF TEENS: Would you like to anonymously and confidentially ask the panel of teen Peer Counseling Writers to comment on a parenting issue you are struggling with? If you are ready for a variety of honest opinions from real teens, please address your questions to askdrrenae@att.net.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida.

For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com

March 1, 2021February 22, 2021

How my child’s battle with cancer prepared our family for the pandemic

Thirteen years ago my life changed overnight. I was happily living a normal routine. Then, suddenly, I found myself in constant worry. I was fearful of financial ruin. I was having constant concern of a family member’s failing health, and anxiety of the possible effects to a compromised immune system.

I found myself feeling safer in isolation. I went down a rabbit hole of unpredictability checking numbers, incessantly wiping down surfaces, washing hands, and applying for social services like food stamps after losing my job.

Back then, the numbers I was checking were not the daily percent of positive tests for an invisible illness in my community or the number of local hospitalizations.

The numbers were of the different blood cells my son had. The illness that he had was not invisible. In fact, it could be seen under a microscope in a regular blood sample because it appeared black. It was cancer. He was only 6 years old, and I was 26.

The whole world was not experiencing it with us at that time. Although some 300,000 families experience it annually, we still felt like the only ones.

The journey started in May of 2007. Seven years later, my son
was done with chemo and cancer free.

During those seven years he endured more spinal taps, bone marrow aspirations, blood transfusions, and needle pokes than I could ever count (or want to).

He also went through a relapse, six fractures to his spine, a blood clot, and a stroke.

The journey was tiring, scary, and forever life-changing.

What I didn’t expect in the years following his recovery was how useful all that I learned would become.

All the heartaches and lessons I learned during that time would become a road map for navigating a future health crisis: The COVID-19 pandemic.

A year ago, in March 2020, we all were plummeted into a whole new world. To me, however, the landscape looked familiar.

I discovered that I was equipped to navigate it. Through my experiences I had garnered some tools in dealing with uncertainty and crisis. I want to share the top 10 with you.

Find Joy- I found during those hard times that joy seemed to elude me. I was submerged in worry and sadness. It took a while for me to recognize that in the toughest of times you must work at finding joy.

When you look for beauty, you will find it, and once you do, beauty and joy will naturally find you.

Show Gratitude & Appreciation-They say nothing is a better teacher than experience, and I would add nothing makes a person wiser than proper perspective.

Finding gratitude was hard at fi rst, but suddenly I became grateful for the little things that became big things to me; little things like a smile or laugh from my sick son, his immune system being strong enough to visit friends, or the gourmet coffee shop at the hospital. The minute I started learning to appreciate and have gratitude for the little things everything changed.

Be Flexible- Life will take you down paths you never predicted or saw coming. The lesson learned is that control is an illusion and hanging on to habits that once made sense, but do not anymore, will only make change that much harder to adapt to. Be willing to learn new things. Adapt your schedule, and go with the flow.

Create Fun- This is so important. Get creative. When my son was unable to go to movie theaters, attend parties or restaurants, we, as a family, brought the fun to us.

My parents started creating movie nights for him and his brother, and expanded them into themed movie nights.

There are no rules that say you need a bunch of people to throw a party! You
can throw a party on an easy budget with just your immediate family.

Since the pandemic, we started this again. We have thrown over 20 theme nights at home with just us that include costumes, dinner, and a movie, all around a central theme.

Nothing is Forever- The best of times will not last, which could be a depressing thought, until you realize that also means the worst of times will not last forever either.

Everything on earth is temporary. EVERYTHING. So, breathe in the good and be present for it, and breathe out the tough times.

Find Stillness and Nature- Find time to meditate, pray, or just count your breaths in and out every day.

Experts say that 20 minutes of meditation a day is optimal. But days can get away from you in a crisis, so if you can only close your eyes and count 10 breaths in and out, say a mantra 10 times, or say a quick prayer to your God, it is more than nothing at all.

Also, even five minutes of observing nature can do wonders. Going outside is preferable, but some days I would only be able to watch the swaying of the trees or clouds through a hospital window. But even that would lighten my spirit enough to bring me some peace.

Ask for and Accept Help if You Need it- Having too much pride can have a devastating consequence on your family and soul. If you need help, ask for it, and if it is off ered, take it. There is no shame in it.

Give Love and Help Others- Nothing will make you happier than helping someone else. There is no medicine as powerful as putting your woes aside and focusing on helping another person. Look around you and see how even in turmoil you still possess the ability to better the lives of those around you, and then do it.

Find Balance- This is something everyone struggles with in their lives, even without a crisis. It is important. However, it is even more important amid a crisis.

You will not achieve that every day. The important part is not pressuring yourself into perfection of balance, only striving for it over the course of your journey.

If you try to focus on balance without judging yourself for not perfecting it, in the arch of time, you will find you achieved it.

Make Humor a Coping Tool- Of all the tools and lessons learned throughout my life’s journey nothing is more potent a healer than humor.

Don’t take life so seriously because life itself is constantly contradictory, indecisive, and unpredictable. It is a beautiful mess, and so are you. Learn to
laugh about it!

In the end you should accept right now that your life will not look exactly like you envisioned it.

Your life may never be the same after this pandemic. It’s ok and natural to struggle with it. Just know that struggle is how you will grow.

Remember this time of pandemic does not make up the sum of your life. But if you use it as a teacher and look at it with a wise perspective, you may see the time as one of the most valuable of your life. The beauty of it lies in the fact that you get to choose.

Destiny Haggett is an advocate for pediatric cancer research, former model, and public speaker. She currently runs a 962-seat live entertainment venue in Coconut Creek, Florida.

February 19, 2021January 22, 2021

Ask Dr. Renae: Teen protecting endangered family member is not alone

Dear Dr. Renae,

A member of my immediate family living in my home has a medical condition which makes them immune compromised. Out of love, respect and fear for their safety, I have limited my social interactions. My friends understood at first but have begun subtly pressuring me to go out. I feel very left out, and it really makes it so much harder since I am missing out on so much. I am also worried about infecting my family member, so I have not even been attending school in person. I feel isolated and may be becoming depressed. I just want my friends to understand.

Alone at 17

Dear Alone at 17,

Your concern for your family is very honorable. You’ve made the right decision by staying home to keep your family safe. I would suggest talking to your friends and explaining to them how you feel and why you don’t want to go out. I would hope that your friends are mature enough to realize that you are making the right choice in staying home. After that I would suggest just talking to them over the phone or having zoom nights together. There’s a lot of online games that you and your friends can play together, or you can just relax and talk to each other. Remember that you can always have fun even if you’re not physically together. I wish you the best of luck.

High School Senior

Dear Alone at 17,

You are not alone!! There are so many people who are going through the exact same thing as you. I think that you are being very responsible and caring, and I’m sure your friends will see that! I suggest finding a group of people to have nightly zoom calls with and plan fun things to do together on the phone. Another example is to ask your friends to have a socially distant lunch!! I for one have been extremely cautious during COVID like you and one thing I have done to see my friends is having a socially distant lunch or hangout! You pick an outdoors area and go separately with your own blanket and sit apart in a huge circle… lots of feet apart! During these trying times, it is definitely important to find people that can support you on your off days. I hope you are doing well.

A Caring Friend

Dear Alone at 17,

I have people around me who also pressure me to go out, so I completely understand where you are coming from. I found the best way to remedy the situation is with communication. It may help to communicate with your friends through a video chat or voice call about your experience with the pandemic and how you feel left out. It would also be helpful to come up with some stay-at-home events your friends can do together. I suggest game nights, powerpoint nights, or just chatting on the phone. I hope you don’t feel so alone in the future.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Alone at 17,

It is inconceivable to be robbed of your much anticipated social year and normal for you to feel a loss. Your love and respect for your family is admirable especially for a teen. You sound like you are comfortable with your decision, an important predictor for your ability to make future difficult decisions. Friends who acknowledge and respect your choice will likely stand out head and shoulders above those friends who do not understand. Focusing your attention on these true friends will likely bring you more comfort than focusing attention on those who regrettably surprised you with their lack of support. True friends will find creative ways to remain connected to you, especially now when you need your friends more than ever. In addition, when you are able to finally socialize in person, it will be helpful to know who your true friends are so you can count on them in the future.

Dr. Renae

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com

February 19, 2021January 25, 2021

Simple but savvy moves for heart health

This month is all about hearts, love, and adding a little TLC to your everyday life. February is American Heart Month. This month is dedicated to driving awareness around heart disease, or cardiovascular disease (CVD). These are the leading causes of many health-related issues that can not only affect your ability to work, but impact your overall quality of life.

It’s important to know that some of the at-risk factors to heart health issues include poor diet, being overweight and lack of physical activity. To ensure that you’re on the right track to improve or maintain a healthier heart, show yourself a little more love by following some of these recommended adjustments for improving your diet by managing your portions and staying active.

Improve your diet

• Start the day with a low-fat breakfast. Try these simple ideas:

• In an electric blender, process 1⁄4 to 1⁄2 cup vitaminwater zero, 1 6 oz. carton Greek Style yogurt, and 1⁄2 cup fresh or frozen fruit to make a fruit smoothie.

• Spread toasted multi-grain waffle with 1 tablespoon peanut butter.

• Top oatmeal with chopped apple, raisins, or 1 tablespoon chopped walnuts.

• Eat every three to four hours or five to six times a day; this prevents you from becoming too hungry.

• Stay hydrated, drink plenty of water –eight to ten glasses a day will keep you hydrated. If you are looking for hydrating options in addition to water, try flavored varieties such as vitaminwater zero or sparkling water. Most importantly, remember that all beverages hydrate. Thirst is an indicator of dehydration and sometimes thirst is confused with hunger.

• Include more fiber in your diet such as whole grain breads and cereals, beans, legumes, and nuts. Higher fiber will aid in helping you feel full.

• Include more vegetables and fruits—these too will help fill you up, and not out.

Manage weight with right-size portions

It’s important to have a good relationship with food, so my mantra is “all foods and beverages can fit into a balanced diet in moderation.” Below are some guidelines to help you keep portion control in mind and some products that can help you do so.

• Choose 3-oz. portions of lean meat, fish, or poultry. This is a serving about the size of a deck of cards.

• For fruits and vegetables, consider a portion about the size of a baseball. If you enjoy avocado, go for one-half of a medium avocado.

• Servings for grains, beans, and legumes should compare to the size of an adult fist.

• Beverages also come in perfectly-portioned sizes. Coca-Cola has mini-cans available at about 7.5 ounces.

Keep it moving

Regular physical activity and exercise can have long term positive effects along with reducing the risk of developing cardiovascular disease. By getting your body moving, you can improve control of your weight, combat heart disease, increase your energy and mood, decrease stress, and improve your sex life.

Scheduling the time to exercise on your calendar will help make it part of your standard daily routine. If you cannot set aside a 30 to 45-minute block of time, do several 5-10-minute segments daily. The buddy system works well here—having a friend on board will help keep you both motivated and on task.

Take Away: Focus on heart health this month. Start to make life long changes to your lifestyle choices and show a little love to your heart and those you care about around you.

January 15, 2021December 30, 2020

Breast cancer statistics on the rise — among men

It was a normal day for Mike Weatherly– that was until he noticed that an abnormally long hair on his chest needed trimming. It was on the areola that surrounds the nipple, and when he began to trim, he noticed a dark spot the size of a pencil eraser.

But, like most men, the Parkland resident procrastinated, thinking it was a pimple that would go away in time. But after a few weeks, it remained and that’s when he sought the counsel of a neighbor who happened to be an emergency room doctor.

“He didn’t like what he saw and told me I should get it biopsied,” said Weatherly.

“In October, the results came back as a positive grade 3 tumor and I was told I had breast cancer.”

If 100 breast cancers are diagnosed, only one will be found in a man. This year, however, it’s estimated that approximately 2,600 new cases will be diagnosed.

The 71-year-old former pilot for American Airlines, who has always been physically fit, had suddenly become a statistic. Yet, he never asked why me? “As humans, there’s a certain amount of vulnerability and things are going to happen,” he said.

“I also have rheumatoid arthritis, which is rare among men, so I’ve learned how to cope and never allowed myself to become depressed.”

When a tumor is sent to a lab for analysis, its grade is based on aggressiveness and invasiveness. Weatherly’s came back as grade 3, but luckily his cancer was localized and did not spread to surrounding lymph nodes.

If cancer cells had spread to the lymph node, they could have already traveled to the lymph system and spread to other parts of the body.

Weatherly’s cancerous tissue—and his nipple—were removed by a general surgeon on an outpatient basis, and now his ongoing care is in the hands of an oncologist.

“My treatment plan began in December and for the foreseeable future I’ll be seeing the specialist every six months,” he said. “I’ve been told it was a hormone- responsive tumor so in all likelihood I won’t require chemotherapy.”

Weatherly, a self-described “health nut” has been retired for 12 years. He was a track athlete at Southwest Missouri State College, and even into his late 30s participated in triathlons.

He continues to eat nutritional foods, works out on a stationary bike, and lifts weights at home. “Running track pushes a person to the limits, both physically and mentally,” he said. “I guess that’s where I learned the discipline about keeping the going into surgery, the better shape you’ll be in coming out and the quicker you’ll recover.”

Most male breast cancers are discovered in men over 50, where there is a history of breast cancer in the family, and the BRAC1 and BRAC2 (breast cancer susceptibility genes) are present.

Plus, if a man has had previous chest radiation therapy, he could be prone. Estrogen, which is used to treat prostate cancer, also increases the chances of male breast cancer. Injured testicles, liver disease, and obesity are also contributing to underlying factors.

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one of the most common types of breast cancer in men is invasive ductal carcinoma. This is where cells grow outside the ducts into other parts of the breast tissue with the possibility of spreading to other parts of the body.

Men who inherit abnormal mutated genes are in a high-risk category, as the mutation may lead to either breast cancer or prostate cancer.

In Weatherly’s case, there was no family history of breast cancer or cancer in general. “I have to admit it was a shock and I never thought something like this would happen to me,” he said. “Thank goodness it was caught early enough.”

Since his cancerous tissue was removed, he’s undergone precautionary follow-ups, including a CT scan and PET scan.

“Most men are not diagnosed until it’s too late, so I was very lucky,” he said. “Just think, if that long hair hadn’t needed trimming, I may be telling you a much different story.”

As a fighter pilot on aircraft carriers in the Navy during the Vietnam era,
Weatherly learned how to deal with all kinds of situations, and his advice to men is to always be aware of any changes in their bodies.

“We tend to focus on heart attacks, strokes or whatever, and male breast cancer is an afterthought,” he said. “It’s only an afterthought until it happens to you.”

January 1, 2021December 28, 2020

Ask Dr. Renae: In with the new and out with the old

This month’s Ask Dr. Renae column surveys local teens to provide a flavor of how they are welcoming the new year 2021. See for yourself how our future generation has fared and be inspired by their hopefulness.

Out with the old: I will wave goodbye to being practical. I’ve tried to get into the habit of living a more serendipitous lifestyle and I’ve since made very fond memories and have had experiences that I never would have had otherwise.

But don’t lose everything: I will keep my inventiveness and self-reliance. It’s very important to me to retain these characteristics and continue to blossom into the best version of myself.

In with the new: I will look forward to a new way of life with endless opportunities and a plethora of success.

Out with the old: I will wave goodbye to self-doubt whenever I’m hesitant about sharing my opinion in class or with new people. I also will wave goodbye to fear of rejection in all aspects of life. I’ve learned that it’s okay to be rejected. Some people may not think the same as you do and that’s okay.

But don’t lose everything: I will keep the few amazing high school memories with my best friends when I begin to enter a new chapter of my life and attend college. Those memories of jamming out to music in the car or staying out a little too late that I have to speed (not by much) home to make curfew will always make me smile.

In with the new: I will look forward to exciting new adventures that I will experience when I go to college next year and begin setting personal goals in academics, health, and hobbies.

Out with the old: As we approach the new year I want to reflect on my current year. I will be waving goodbye to my messy habits and unclean room.

But don’t lose everything: I will definitely be keeping close contact with all my friends and continue our zoom slumber parties.

In with the new: I am looking forward to finishing high school and starting the next phase of my life in college. 2020 was a rough year, but I will try my best to have a more positive 2021.

Out with the old: I will wave goodbye to fearing what others might think of me. Often, I try to be the most perfect person when trying to meet new people or even just around some of my close friends. This past year I learned that it’s important to own who you are and what makes you.

But don’t lose everything: I will keep hanging out with my family, my friends, and my dog, who is my entire world. COVID has really brought me closer with my brothers, since they are out of college and staying home for the meantime. I also have such a special place in my heart for my friends and my dog who I love very much.

In with the new: I will look forward to planning for the future. I am a junior in high school and am going to start looking into the college process soon. I have my heart set on going into the entertainment industry and can’t wait to get started. I am so hopeful for my future and can’t wait for the day that I am living in New York City!

Out with the old: I will wave goodbye to negative feelings that I have about myself.

But don’t lose everything: I will keep my friends and all of the happy memories I have with them.

In with the new: I look forward to all the amazing things I want to do with my life, especially going to college to get my degree in engineering and to make some more friends while I’m there.

November 1, 2020October 22, 2020

Ask Dr. Renae: Speaking up as a true friend

Dear Dr. Renae,

I just found out that my good friend is drinking alcohol every night to relax
and to fall asleep. I saw the bottle in her room during our FaceTime chat and she laughed it off as no big deal. I know it is normal in her home since her parents have a nightly cocktail hour. We all learn the dangers of alcohol abuse in school every year, but when it feels normal at home, how can I get her to see that this is a problem? Is it?

Worried High School Junior

Hello Worried HS Junior,

This is a very important issue and I am glad you came seeking help. I feel the best thing you can do is to talk directly to her about why you believe this lifestyle is destructive. While it may be normalized in her household, having to drink alcohol to go to sleep is an unhealthy practice that is most likely due to another problem in your friend’s life. If you can find what the source of her anxiety is, you can recommend healthy coping options. Remember, the best thing you can do is be there and voice your concern. Hopefully, she will understand how much you care for her and begin taking steps to stop.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Worried High School Junior,

While underage drinking is a worrisome subject, if your friend is engaging in alcohol consumption, it’s probably to help cope with stress. Many teenagers get stressed during the start of a new term and especially considering the current global climate, it’s easy to get overwhelmed. Using alcohol as a crutch can became dangerous very fast and lead to unforeseen consequences. If her parents are drinking as well, it’s very easy to follow suit, but there are discrepancies between the two. It’s best to tread lightly and look for signs of alcohol dependency. If stress is the main factor in her drinking, perhaps you can try talking to her about how to relax responsibly and safely.

Your Friend

Dear Worried High School Junior,

I would definitely bring it up to your friend and let her know you are not judging, you just care about her health and safety. I would suggest having a conversation to show you are there for her. You can suggest that if she has trouble falling asleep, she can talk to her mom and they can talk to a doctor who can recommend something, instead of harming herself with alcohol every night.

A Caring Friend

Dear Worried High School Junior,

Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol daily, especially at our age, is wrong. I’m sure you know the negative things that come with it, but your friend does not. My advice is that you shouldn’t lecture her, but instead, have a conversation about why she feels the need to drink every night. Help her tackle the root of the issue and try to get her some alternatives to alcohol, if you can. Be patient, change doesn’t happen overnight. Good luck to you and your friend.

High School Senior

Dear Worried High School Junior,

In addition to teens, adults are also worried about close family members or friends who abuse alcohol. In many families, as well as some cultures, alcohol use is normalized. Despite clearly knowing the numerous dangers, it is easy to go from use to abuse. It sounds like your friend stumbled upon the use of alcohol to fall asleep and continues this nightly routine since it works.

Exploring alternative sleep-inducing strategies is hard work and your friend might not be looking to change her plan. Reminding her of the dangers will not likely be successful, since she already knows about them. Continuing to let your friend know that you care about her very much and are very concerned, while continuing to offer alternative options in a non-judgmental way, might draw your friend away from you. Despite that risk, you cannot remain silent about your genuine worry if you wish to be a true friend and true to yourself.

More importantly, you will need to find ways to take care of yourself so the stress of worrying for your friend does not disturb your ability to maintain calm and peaceful within yourself. That is a difficult life requirement!

Dr. Renae

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade, and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40
years experience, currently maintains a private practice in Boca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: www.askdrrenae.com

October 9, 2020December 3, 2020

Ask Dr. Renae: The “Friend Code”

Dear Dr. Renae,

I recently reconnected with an old friend from middle school and we have been talking a lot virtually. I really like him as more than a friend and I think he feels the same way. The problem is that he is my good friend’s ex-boyfriend. They were together for all of the eighth grade and didn’t remain friends when they broke up. I would often be caught in the middle of their problems as they both came to me for advice. Their relationship ended three years ago and we have all moved on, I think. Is it okay for me to date a good friend’s ex? Is there a “girl code” like my mother has described from when she was my age?

Confused 17-year-old

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

Essentially, yes. “Girl code” could be used for this scenario. Regardless of the time, this boy was once your friend’s boyfriend, so going out with him yourself could damage the friendship, as well as place guilt on yourself. If you really like this guy, and your friendship can withstand it, then go for it. Perhaps, try explaining to your friend that you reciprocate feelings for her ex-boyfriend and see what happens. Make sure it’s clear this wasn’t intentional or malicious. It is helpful in these situations to know that some things are circumstantial and not personal at all.

Your Friend

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

Your current situation should be handled carefully. I suggest talking to your friend and asking her if she has completely moved on and how she would feel if you and her ex got together. If she is fine with it, then go for it. However, if she has any concerns, or if she is not ok with it, then do not pursue her ex. Friendships are more valuable than romantic relationships, so make sure you do not ruin your relationship with either of them.

A High School Senior

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

I am happy you were able to reconnect with someone during the quarantine. I believe it is completely fine for you to date this person because he and your friend dated when they were much younger and very inexperienced with life. Now that all of you have grown up and most likely learned from your mistakes, it will lead to a stronger relationship .If everyone involved has moved on, it is completely fine to date this boy. If you have doubts, you can always ask your good friend about this issue. I hope this helps.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

“Girl code” can vary from person to person and what they see as “right.” I suggest that you talk to your friend before you start to date her ex-boyfriend. For a lot of people, it hurts more if they weren’t told something ahead of time. Talking with your friend will ensure she is okay and knows what’s going on. This way, if she does understand and you do start dating, you won’t lose your friendship.

A Caring Friend

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

The change in maturity from eighth grade to nearly the end of high school is incomparable to any. The amount one person grows during this time is unlike any other, so I’m sure your friend would not mind if you pursued a relationship with an ex she had in middle school. Most people in high school realize that their relationships in middle school were not meant to last. As your close friend, I am certain that she wants to see you happy, so any reservations she may have about the situation may be put to the side. However, I doubt she will have reservations as a relationship in middle school does not hold much relevance in her current day to day life. My one big piece of advice is to be sure to inform your friend of your actions, and what you plan to do next. If you go about this in a secretive manner, then it may become an issue because she will feel you are going around her. However, if you are open and honest about your feelings, I’m sure it will all work out!

A Romantic

Dear Confused 17-year-old,

It reveals a lot about your character that you are concerned about your friend’s feelings. A true friend will be open to hearing your concern and considering it sincerely so they can be honest about their feelings. You might already know your friend well enough to know how she would feel about your dating her middle school ex-boyfriend, and whether she will honestly share with you if it disturbs her. Despite not being fully grown, young teens have the capability of developing strong feelings in relationships which, while different, are just as intense as mature love. In discussing this, consider how your friend would feel if the relationship became serious enough to include all of you spending time together. Don’t forget to think about how you might feel if they become good friends again and the role was reversed with him going to her for relationship advice. How you might feel about yourself regarding dating this guy is just as important as how your friend might feel. A soul-searching conversation with yourself will help you assess the possible outcomes.

Dr. Renae

Dr. Renae Lapin, a licensed marriage and family therapist with 40 years experience, currently maintains a private practice inBoca Raton, Florida. For more information about Dr. Renae and her practice, visit her website: https://askdrrenae.com

September 18, 2020August 26, 2020

With COVID-19 there are no ‘immaculate’ assumptions

If you feel confused by the ever-changing data and recommendations surrounding COVID-19, you are not alone. As a new virus emerges, doctors and scientists are learning new information almost daily. Hence, the need to modify recommendations as this information arises.

If I say one thing to help guide you through this process, it is that as long as the virus is around, you must take measures to mitigate the risk of getting and spreading it. Over the last few months, many of us have witnessed two extremes: Those who drive alone in their car while wearing gloves, a mask, and a face shield, and those who partake in large group gatherings with no social distancing nor PPE of any kind.

Regardless of whether you fall into one of these categories or somewhere in the middle, I think we can agree that we all want to do whatever we can to keep our loved ones out of harm’s way.

The question I get asked the most from family and friends is regarding what measures to take when visiting with others. Whether it is a party for Grandma’s 90th birthday or a relatively small family gathering at a lake house, everyone wants to know a definitive answer on doing the right thing in the age of COVID-19.

Although there are evidence-based answers, anyone watching one of the numerous news networks or various social media feeds knows the research is ever-changing. Even those of us who have been critically reviewing journal articles as part of our career are relatively confused as to what the perfect answer is. As I said, you are not alone!

All of that being said, I would like to offer what I think is a risk-mitigating, comfort level approach to keeping you and your loved ones as safe as possible during group gatherings and family visits. For this, we need to make a few assumptions:

Assumption 1: When someone says they tested negative, assume this means they still could be infected with the virus.

Yes, I know this one is confusing, but it is very important. PCR and Rapid tests of all kinds (including flu) have always been known to be unreliable – this is not unique to COVID-19. This means that you should always inquire about symptoms, such as fever, cough, loss of smell/taste, etc. (refer to the CDC website for a current symptom list; cdc.gov/ coronavirus/2019-ncov/ symptoms-testing/ symptoms.html). If a person tests negative and has any of the listed COVID-19 symptoms, you must assume they are infected, and the test didn’t pick it up.

Assumption 2: Asymptomatic patients can still transmit the virus.

If someone says, “I tested positive but didn’t have any symptoms, therefore, I am fine,” be cautious. Although it seems that asymptomatic patients have a lower likelihood
of transmitting the virus, the evidence is debatable and from a personal standpoint, I wouldn’t bank on a lower potential transmission rate equating near zero chance, especially when dealing with any of the vulnerable populations. Play it safe!

Assumption 3: Assume that anyone with a fever of 100.4°F or greater has COVID-19.

For those who are taking temperatures at their door, more power to you. Although it is surely an uncomfortable welcome at the front door, it is one of the few truly objective measures we can take, even if it won’t screen in every infected person. Understand though, a temperature of 99° Fahrenheit is not a true fever. I grew up thinking anything above a 98.6° meant you were hospital-bound. We all have very normal fluctuations in our core temperatures throughout the day, but a fever doesn’t truly start until 100.4° Fahrenheit.

Assumption 4: Assume everyone has COVID-19.

Clearly, this will be the most controversial assumption, but I believe a smart approach, especially when dealing with the elderly population and those with chronic illnesses, such as diabetes or lung disease. Assume everyone has COVID and take precautions based on that. Everyone may seem okay or say they are fine, but don’t stop practicing strict hand hygiene or whatever form of social distancing you usually partake in.

If you don’t personally believe this is as bad as the news is portraying, the simple effort of regular hand sanitizing/washing and wearing a face mask during group gatherings could have maximum outcomes if it means you could prevent the spread to a vulnerable person.

Should you worry so much about your healthy 3-year-old or 16-year-old getting very ill? Not nearly as much as the vulnerable populations, but you should worry about who they will potentially pass it on to. Thankfully, although children can indeed get ill, they seem to be the safest population when it comes to COVID-19 with mortality and morbidity rates seemingly lower than influenza, but this doesn’t mean that they are not vectors.

At the end of the day, we all want to keep our loved ones as safe as possible, but unless you live in a HEPA filter bubble, I don’t think there is a 100% perfect approach in this COVID world we live in; however, you can mitigate risk. Personal interactions are core to our sanity and mental health. If you understand the risks and take precautions to mitigate them when you can, you can certainly achieve these interactions while maintaining relative safety.

By Dr. Jahn Avarello

Dr. Avarello was the Division Chief of Pediatric Emergency Medicine for the Cohen Children’s Medical Center of NY for the past 9 years and is now the Florida Regional Medical Director for PM Pediatrics Urgent Care (1st site due to open in the Sawgrass Center this fall). He is currently seeing patients for acute care needs virtually at PMPanywhere.com.

September 18, 2020August 26, 2020

PETTALK: Doctors make the worst clients

I recently went to a socially distanced neighborhood block party and met a few people I had never met before. Where I currently live in Jupiter, most of my neighbors are snowbirds and based on the spike in COVID-19 cases in Florida, they may not be coming back anytime soon.

At the party, I met a female neighbor who, after finding out I was a veterinarian, dragged her husband unwillingly out of a group of men who were talking about golf and politics to talk to me.

I am going to call him Dr. Skin because he is a dermatologist and his demeanor got under my skin. Mrs. Skin told him to tell me about Annabella, their 9-year-old boxer, who had increased thirst and urination. Mrs. Skin wanted to take Annabella to the veterinarian, but with the pandemic, she was reluctant to allow Annabella to be seen by her veterinarian while she was forced to stay in the car.

This allowed Dr. Skin the opportunity to act as a veterinarian by searching Google. I asked Dr. Skin how he felt about his clients coming in and comparing his diagnosis to Dr. Google and he said he hated it. I told him that he was doing the same to the veterinary profession.

Dr. Skin told me that he had put increased thirst and urination into the search engine and based on his research, diabetes and kidney disease were the most likely diseases followed by Cushing’s disease and a high salt diet. I nodded my head in agreement that they were definitely high on my list, as well.

So, I asked him what he has done, knowing that he has not called or seen his veterinarian. He told me he obviously wouldn’t start insulin therapy without taking Annabella’s blood sugar but was tempted. He didn’t think Annabella had kidney disease because her urine was very yellow in the morning and he would assume that if she had kidney disease her urine would always be clear in color. Then he abruptly left to get the bag of dog food so I could look at the sodium level.

I told Mrs. Skin that Annabella needs to see her veterinarian. Bloodwork and urine need to be analyzed and Annabella needed to be examined.

She agreed.

Dr. Skin not only brought back the bag of dog food for me to look at but Annabella as well. From ten feet away, I could see that Annabella’s lymph nodes on her neck, chest, and rear legs were swollen.

Annabella is a boxer and boxers are the number one canine cancer breed.

As Dr. Skin was showing me the bag of dog food, I interrupted him and asked if a patient came to him with swollen lymph nodes and abnormal clinical signs, would he take the necessary tests for cancer? He said absolutely and wondered why I had asked. I told them Annabella’s lymph nodes were very enlarged, and her clinical signs were classic for hypercalcemia, secondary to neoplasia.

It was a very hot day and Dr. Skin’s face went from red to pale white in one second. He left abruptly with Annabella and Mrs. Skin. I hoped he was going to the veterinarian.

Follow-up: Annabella had lymphoma and is currently being treated with chemotherapy. I later got a fruit basket from Mrs. Skin, and I would be happy to continue calling her husband Dr. Skin.

Dr. Glenn Kalick

July 31, 2020July 28, 2020

Ask Dr. Renae: True friends will try their best.

Dear Dr. Renae,

My father has been arrested and charged for a financial crime. The whole legal process will take a long time and he might wind up serving
time in jail. There have been ongoing news reports and social media discussions about the circumstances. My parents share with me what is important for me to know and have encouraged me to focus on my own day to day life. I have always been a private person and do not want to discuss this with anyone, including my close friends. I feel like there is an awkward distance between me and my friends. I know they care about me and are worried for my family. Even if I avoid saying anything, it feels like it is a cloud just hanging there. How can I let them know I appreciate their concern and that I just want to hang out?

Anonymous from Any City

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

I understand the fear of not wanting to share personal information with your friends, but if you want to close the awkwardness between your friends, you have to share some information about your life. You do not have to be specific about the situation – just enough that you are willing to share. After you explain the circumstances you can reassure them that they shouldn’t worry and that you just want to hang out without the seriousness of the issue pressing on you. If they are your true friends, they will understand your decision and respect your choices. Having friends to lean on in tough times always helps the situation become easier. All the best to you.

Your Fellow Teen

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

Your friends first instincts are always going to be to help you. It’s amazing most of the time, but you’d rather not talk about what you’re going through which is completely fine. I’d suggest that you talk to your friends openly. Tell them that you appreciate them since they want to help, but you’d rather hang out and have fun because that’s what will help you right now. Your friends care a lot about you so you need to be open with them so they know you’re okay. Keep in contact with them and if you ever want to talk about it with them, you should.

High School Junior

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

You do not need to inform your friends about your personal life. If you do not feel comfortable opening up about your personal life, that is beyond okay. If they are your friends, they should understand that. But in order for them to understand that you don’t want them to be concerned about you, you have to communicate it to them. Let them know that you just want to hang out with them and not worry about your private life when you are with them. They may also be a little confused on how to address your family life which may lead to all of you feeling confused on the matter. Just let them know that you want to keep family matters out of the conversation when you are with them, and maybe in the future, when you do want to talk about it with them, they will be there for you.

Your Friend

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

Your preference for privacy is understandable, but your friends may not be aware of it. Your friends care about you and your wellbeing during this difficult time, and combined with natural curiosity, they may want to talk about it and see how you’re doing but not know that you don’t. Hopefully, the cloud hanging there will disperse once you directly, or indirectly, explain to them that you don’t like to discuss your personal life with them, or anyone, since you’re a private person.

Just Your Frank Teenager

Dear Anonymous from Any City,

True friends will try their best to honor your request; however, it is your responsibility as a true friend to clearly convey your wishes.
If you do not want to experience this awkward distance and
dark cloud, it would benefit you to let your friends know how you would like them to support you and your family. Be specific in
your requests and update your friends regularly as to how you are doing. For example, you might say: “I know there have been further news reports about my father, and it would help me if we could just watch a movie together or go swimming today.” In addition, bring up alternative topics to discuss when you are together, such as happenings in their lives, your community, and the world. If you feel the need to be silent while spending time with your friends, let them know that it helps to be with them without feeling pressured to talk. Having the support from friends will help you to feel strong and brave, so remember to nurture true friendships in your life.

Dr. Renae

ASK DR. RENAE recruiting high school students ALL interested in volunteering to be a Peer Counseling Writer for the Parklander’s ASK DR. RENAE teen to teen advice column. Please email Dr. Renae at askdrrenae@att.net to request an application for this exciting opportunity!

TEENS: Curious as to what other teens would say? If you have a question or problem you would like to present to other teens, please email: askdrrenae@att.net and include your age, grade and gender you identify with. All questions are published anonymously and your identity and contact information will be kept confidential.