Self-esteem: Part of the basics, not just a byproduct

By Dr. Simone Alicia, D.D, h.c

Take a shower, brush your teeth, mind your manners, and nurture your self-esteem. Those are the basics for our kids, right? Along with eating healthy, studying, and going to bed on time, most of us would agree that these are foundations of proper physical and emotional health.

Yet, there’s something strange on that list. Something that is always expected from our kids, but usually left off of the list of basic life lessons: It’s self-esteem.

Some say it’s just a byproduct that comes from doing other things, like sports, dance, or theater. But is that enough? Or do we need to teach self-esteem more directly?

As a self-esteem coach, one of the first things my young clients learn from me is that self-esteem is “the way we think and feel about ourselves.” I love that definition because it empowers kids to take charge of what they are thinking about anytime that they want. And they quickly learn that their thoughts affect their attitude, beliefs, and behavior!

Now, picture it, your kids just finished watching a drama-filled series online, then they played a few hours of a violent video game; they also realized that they got a bad grade, and a former friend was mean to them on social media. All of these experiences become images swirling around in your child’s mind. Each image has a negative feeling attached to it.

Now here’s the key: Your child has no clue what to do about these thoughts and feelings. So, now it affects their behavior, and they have a negative attitude toward you all day.

Is the self-esteem “byproduct” from their extracurricular activities enough to help them through this? No. They need real, direct tools, like affirmations, journaling, and reframing skills, which I’ll detail for you below:

  • This involves reciting positive things about yourself starting with “I am.” Singing them to the beat of a familiar tune helps younger kids through difficult times.
  • Step 1: “Release,” which is writing out all negative emotions in a journal and really imagining that they are being released out of you. Step 2 (most important): Turn to a new page and “refill” yourself, being a best friend to yourself and coaching yourself through whatever you just released, so you are left in a positive place. For example, “Even though that happened, I am strong, and I know it’ll be OK.”
  • This is a method by which you try to see your situation in a different way, perhaps with humor or by finding the good thing hidden in your situation. The sentence may start with “Well, at least…” ⎯ for example, if children get a low score at school, they could say, “Well, at least it’s not the last grade for the year.”

The most important thing for parents to know is that tools are out there to help their kids with building self-esteem, and they should have those tools before they need them. Preparation is power. After all, it’s far easier to put the life vest on before you fall into the water. Am I right?

With the current times that we live in and the unlimited access to technology, social media, controversial influencers, and more, we can no longer treat self-esteem building like a mere byproduct that kids will pick up somewhere. Instead, it’s time to recognize self-esteem building as a basic, fundamental life skill that our kids need to learn directly in order to live mentally healthy lives.