Category: Health & Wellness

Dear Dr. Renae,

My parents are always encouraging me to include their friend’s daughter when I get together with my group of friends, even though she really does not fit in. It is awkward and uncomfortable expecting my friends to like her. Being in the middle is a big responsibility and I wind up feeling anxious instead of having fun. She is nice sometimes but other times obnoxious, which is why she does not have many friends. I don’t like arguing with my parents about this but it is not fair to me and they do not understand the social pressures with girls my age. How can I get them to see it from my side? Don’t I get to pick my own friends?

Frustrated 7th grade girl

Dear frustrated 7th grade girl,

It’s sometimes hard to be inclusive, especially if you’re being told to do so. It might help to open up communication with your parents. Let them know of your anxiousness when you are hanging out together as a group. It may even help to have your friends included in this conversation sharing the awkwardness you feel. However, talking to your parents isn’t your only option. It’s not every day you must hang out with her or include her in your plans. When you are together it might also be beneficial to talk to your friend about your feelings, and perhaps you can solve the problem without parental intervention.

Been in your position before

Dear frustrated seventh grade girl,

I think that just because someone doesn’t necessarily fit in with “your group” doesn’t mean they’re not worthy of having friends. I understand it can be awkward though and you would prefer spending time with your own friends. Perhaps, you can spend time with her individually opposed to with your group of friends, so that it won’t put your friends on the spot to like her and spend time with her as well. I think that your parents must make sacrifices for you and you might have to do something (not so fun) so they can have friends too. It is also a good idea to communicate your side of the story to your parents. You want to have fun and be a seventh grader without being held back by doing something your not comfortable with- I’m sure they’ll understand. Maybe you can make a deal that you’ll spend time with her once a week or something of that sort.

13 year old friend

Dear Frustrated 7th grade girl,

You’re in a sticky situation and you are absolutely right when you say that you have the right to pick your own friends. At the same time, it’s important that you recognize that your parents mean well. They want to make sure their friend’s daughter has people to talk to and hang out with. Have you tried sitting down with your parents for a calm conversation? Instead of getting frustrated whenever your parents tell you to invite this girl, explain why it isn’t a good idea for the girl herself and they would probably be more receptive to your opinion. Try telling them that she does not fit in with your other friends, and inviting her to your hangouts just makes things awkward for her. If your parents understood this, they would likely be less insistent upon you inviting this girl to your get-togethers. At the same time, that’s not to say that you should drop the girl altogether. The best thing to do would be to find a time to invite her over when you’re not with your other friends. Granted, this will likely be harder for you, as she will be the only person to talk to, but you will remove the anxiety of her not fitting in. Even if you’re not thrilled at the idea of continuing to invite this girl over, think about what it must be like to be in her place and you will be more willing to do her a kindness and hang out with her.

A caring teen

Dear Frustrated 7th grade girl,

I have experienced something similar to this as well when I was younger, so I totally get where you’re coming from. You mentioned that your parents don’t see this from your point of view. Unfortunately, talking to them I think is the only way you can fix this situation. Its possible that the conversation you had with your parents was approached the wrong way. You should try a civil, sympathetic approach. Nothing too harsh to make you seem like the bad guy. Try to get them to sympathize with you and understand where you’re coming from. Explain how its not fun for anyone, especially the girl, if she doesn’t fit in and all of you are forced to hang out with each other. I’m sure she can tell that you all don’t like her very much, which would be very hurtful for her. It may be best for you to go your separate ways for both parties involved.

An understanding 16 year old girl

Dear Frustrated 7th grade girl,

I totally understand your situation. It’s hard to bring in a new person to a friend group after everyone is already close with each other. Let your friends know to try and welcome her into the group and plan a fun event with everyone to try and bring them all together. If that doesn’t seem to work, it might be best to hang out with the girl separately from your friends. You never know, she could actually be a really great person. Maybe something like a movie or going out to dinner could strengthen your friendship with her. Talk to your parents and tell them honestly how you feel with her in your friend group and they should understand.

A caring friend

Dear Frustrated 7th Grade Girl,

The social pressures with girls your age, as well as Elementary and High school have contributed to depression, anxiety and even suicide. Many adults today have shared how traumatic their social relationships were and the negative ways it has impacted their lives. Being kind to someone who does not fit in can truly be life saving. Over time, that kindness from you as well as your friends, may help to inspire this friend to feel more comfortable with herself and be more kind to others in return. There might be problems this girl is experiencing which contribute to her social awkwardness. You are right in feeling that it is a big responsibility and uncomfortable to be in charge of helping someone to fit in. I suggest that you invite this girl to get togethers which you host or plan. This invite must be sincere from your heart as no one appreciates being pitied. Select the kindest members of your group and ask them to assist you in making this other girl feel more comfortable. Your parents will be heartened by your efforts. Knowing that you treated others kindly will feel joyful in your own heart. You will not regret it.

Dr. Renae

The absolute greatest three days of my life, were when each of my children were born. It’s as if I took my first breath when each of my children inhaled for the first time. Motherhood defines me and endlessly gives me my purpose for being. I loved being pregnant. While each of my pregnancies were different, with accompanying waves of worry and concern, I found comfort in my growing belly, sonograms, hearing the heartbeat and every wiggle, kick and movement that registered. I had a wonderful support system. A devoted husband, an amazing OB/GYN, and my experienced mom, all who gave me the reassurance needed throughout each nine-month journey. “Women have been giving birth since the beginning of time,” my mom would remind me. This reminder from the woman who was “knocked out” during my birth while my dad paced in the waiting room until hearing “it’s a girl!”

Fortunately times have changed when it comes to being “present” during the birthing process, for both moms and dads. I know how lucky I am having a support system while many women do not. Whether living far from family, or just wanting to chart a childbirth course different from their mother’s, women have many more  choices during their personal nine-month journey.

“The pendulum is swinging back to a time when natural births are healthier,” says Martha Lerner, CLD. CAPPA Labor Doula. Martha, a devoted mother and certified doula, should know since she has been an integral part of this resurgence. Martha became a CAPPA Certified Doula in 2014. So, “what is a doula?” I was wondering as well. The word doula is a Greek word meaning women’s servant.

CAPPA which stands for Childbirth and Postpartum Professional Association, is an international certification organization for Doulas, Childbirth Educators and Lactation Educators. Doulas fill an important role in providing emotional, physical, and evidence-based, informational support to the birthing woman and her family before, during, and after birth. CAPPA Labor Doulas are skilled support persons who act as consultants and resources, not clinicians (according to cappa.net.)

While 1994 marked the year the first doula became certified by DONA International (dona.org,) the supporting role that women have played in helping other women through their birthing process dates back to the beginning of time. Martha reminisced about being invited into the delivery room during the many births of family and friends, even before receiving her doula certification. She was a natural at giving emotional support, creating relaxation during the most difficult times, and reassuring parents of the beauty of this magical and natural moment.

Over the course of fifteen years, while Martha served as an educator in both Middle School and High School, she observed a rapidly growing disconnect between her students and their parents, many whom were seeking her advice. Martha became inspired to become a Peaceful Parenting Coach, playing a positive role in impacting our youth, empowering parents and bridging the widening emotional gap between the two. Martha believes it’s never too early to instill these principles necessary for strengthening families. While understanding her innate passion for the family unit was paramount to her personal growth, Martha also honored her keen interest in the field of pregnancy and child birthing and pursued her doula certification, interlacing her knowledge with her compassion.

“My forte happens to be in the spiritual, emotional, physical, and informational support, rather than the clinical aspect,” Martha discovered. “I  subsequently learned that I come from generations of midwives who practiced in Cuba,” she boasted. So becoming a doula made perfect sense. Especially for all those she has supported through this daunting, incomparable, unforgettable, magical and life-changing experience known as childbirth.

“My experience and struggles have pushed me to devote my life to helping families feel supported on their own journeys throughout pregnancy, birth and beyond. Doulas are simply there for you. We hold space. We are your ally, your partner, your sister, your mother, your coach and your friend all rolled up into one during that magical time of pregnancy and birth. And we are grateful and honored to be able to serve you and be a witness to your miracle.”

Martha takes great pride in a monthly Women’s Support Circle she leads. “I unite women of all ages and stages who have worked with me in some capacity and offer a safe space to talk and share their current struggles as well as successes, so they feel supported.”

Martha looks forward to her future special deliveries.  “Peaceful Parenting 101” and “The Mindset Makeover,” are original online courses she looks forward to offering, as well as authoring a book on raising Highly Sensitive Children. Martha’s broad range of talents and her career as a doula is no doubt, her labor of love.

martha@zenmamalove

www.zenmamalove.com.

Dear Dr. Renae,

My father remarried a woman with a daughter my age and his new wife and stepdaughter have moved into our home where I live part-time with my dad. My new stepsister and I are very different but are respectful to each other and get along fine. The home is small so we are now sharing the bedroom, which I had to myself. Naturally, my stepsister has put up posters of her favorite bands, and I no longer feel at home in my own space. My father is very happy and my new stepmother is nice to me so I do not want to upset the family by bringing it up. My space is very important to me. Am I being selfish to want my own room?

Needing Alone Time 13-Year-Old

Hello Needing Alone Time 13-Year-Old,

Transitioning will definitely take some time. It’s normal to feel like you are losing your own space. Though you feel like it would be upsetting to bring up your feelings, it just might be the opposite. Talking to your father is a good way to bring to his attention to the emotions you have about this new living arrangement. Since you mentioned you have a respectful relationship with your stepmother and stepsister, it would also help to have them included in the conversation too. This way the four of you can come up with solutions together to help make the proper adjustments and make sure you continue to feel at home.

Your friend

Dear Needing Alone Time 13-Year-Old,

You are definitely not being selfish wanting a space where you feel comfortable. In fact, from the way you phrased your question, I can tell that you’re approaching this from a very mature and respectful point of view, and you should be commended for that. While asking for your own room might be an impractical request depending on how much room you have in your house, perhaps you and your new stepsister can work out a system to divide the space you do have so both of you are happy. For example, you could agree on leaving two of the four walls bare, and then you can ech decorate one wall. You could also go out and choose new linens that both of you like — not only would that assure that both of you feel comfortable in the room, but it would also probably be a great bonding experience. The last suggestion I’ll make is to give it time. This is all very new and chances are that as more time passes, you’ll become more accustomed to the new people and elements in your life. At the same time, though, remember you have the right to be comfortable, so take the necessary steps to make sure you are at home in your space.

A Caring Friend

Dear Needing Time Alone 13-Year-Old,

It’s OK to feel selfish but it sounds like your situation won’t change because it works for everyone. You can try to make your side of the room fit your personality, but realize that your stepsister will do the same. You are being a good sport by putting up with it and I’m sure your father really appreciates that. Try bonding with your stepsister and get to know each other more too.

A Caring Friend

Dear Needing Time Alone 13-Year-Old,

It is not selfish to want your own room. Change is a very difficult thing to cope with. Adjusting to new people when it used to be you and your father cannot be easy. You should try getting to know your stepsister better. It may help you feel more at home. If you two got along, it would make sharing a room fun. Needing and wanting your own space is a normal thing, but unfortunately, your own room doesn’t seem to be an option. The best way to deal with this situation is to have a more positive mindset and focus on making it better and not wishing it was different.

Your Friend

Dear Needing Time Alone 13-Year-Old,

Your dad probably didn’t think a discussion was necessary since you and his new wife and stepdaughter get along well. There might be other issues to address besides room sharing. I suggest that you ask that all four of you have a family meeting where you can discuss everyone’s issues about their adjustment to the changes. Serve a fun snack and plan on a family movie or outing after the meeting. Make sure the positives are discussed as well as the concerns. You might be surprised to learn that other family members have issues adjusting to the changes too. If the first meeting works out well, it can be a regular family event. The honest communication you share early on will set the tone for future communication within your family.

Dr. Renae

Dear Dr. Renae,

I have decided to become vegetarian after many months of consideration. Since I am still living at home and do not have a job, I am concerned about the additional expense for my family since we struggle financially. My mom is supportive but I also know she cannot afford a larger grocery bill. It is hard to eat healthy on a small budget. How can I ease the burden?

Health Conscience 14 year old

Dear Health Conscious,

One way you can help support your family and your budget is to try getting a job tutoring, babysitting, or something part time. It might not be a lot, but it can contribute to your new lifestyle. Another option may be to sell used items such as books, clothes, and toys to make a little extra. I hope this gave you some ideas. Communication is also very important. Talk to your parents, tell them your concerns and ask how you can help.

Your friend

Dear Health Conscious,

First of all, I commend you for not only making a big life decision on your own, but also for being mature enough to realize its consequences on your family. One suggestion would be to try buying things in bulk. Perhaps that means you’ll have a smaller variety of fruits and vegetables, but you’ll still be eating according to your dietary preferences and the cost will be cheaper. I know that produce like apples and baby carrots are sold in larger quantities, as well as certain non-perishables like peanut butter. It’s great that your mom is supportive of your decision. Tell her how you plan to minimize grocery costs, and ask her if she has any additional suggestions. If at any point there is a problem, tell her she can address it with you at any time. You should be very proud of yourself.

A Caring Teen

Dear Health Conscience,

To begin, it’s great that you decided to do that for yourself. It’s very respectable that you thought about your family’s financial issues. I advise you to look up some vegetarian recipes that sound good to you and ask your mom to help you budget your food expenses. Have her set a certain amount of money and incorporate it into your family’s diet. For example, something like rice and beans can be eaten by your whole family and is inexpensive, as well as vegetables and pasta. Good luck with your new healthy lifestyle decision.

Your supportive friend

Dear Health Conscious,

I admire your decision to become a vegetarian. While it is a healthy and ethical choice, it can be expensive. Since you are still living at home, I suggest you start by being creative in your own pantry and refrigerator with what your family affords. However, to widen your selections, it may be helpful for you to get a part-time job. You could generate income within your own neighborhood by baby- or pet-sitting or dog walking to ease the financial burden you feel.

Your fellow Health Nut

Dear Health Conscious,

I know that whenever my mom goes grocery shopping, she always has her coupon book handy. The best thing is that you can find them online. If you are looking to save money, coupons are definitely the way to go. In addition to that, several local grocery stores have a reputation for low priced high quality organic foods. You could even start growing some of your own vegetables.

A Kind Friend

Dear Health Conscious,

Many adults who eat a vegetarian diet began in their teen years and maintain a lifelong commitment. In addition, you may wish to establish other healthy habits such as daily exercise and maintaining enough restful nighttime sleep. Being vegetarian does not necessarily equate to organic or healthy choices. There are different types of vegetarian diets, depending upon your choice to eliminate seafood, eggs, and dairy products as well as animal products. Some vegetarians also avoid leather shoes, belts, and handbags. There are nutritional education programs available online and in your community to help you establish a healthy, well balanced diet, which includes all your required nutrients. Some resources are your doctor, your school health or PE teacher, the public library, and local health food stores. Check your medical insurance to see if they will pay for visits to a nutritionist. Once you become educated about a well balanced diet, locating affordable food choices will be much simpler. You might find that the cost is the same or less than a diet which includes animal products.

Dr. Renae

Dear Dr. Renae,

My mother is very upset with me because I sent a video to my friends on Snapchat – it was only my face and collarbones in the shower. My friends and I have an inside joke about how annoying it is to have our make-up smudged when we shower. Why was this wrong?

15-year-old Sophomore

Dear 15 Year Old Sophomore,

First, kudos to you for wanting to know where you went wrong. Most teens would just automatically assume that their mom is in the wrong. Personally, I don’t think the video itself is a big deal, but I understand where your mom is coming from. A person is not dressed when they’re in the shower, so it is not an appropriate time to take a video, even if that video doesn’t show anything. Your mom is looking out for you – she’s protecting you from what other people might think when they see a video of you in the shower. Even if that video only went to your friends, once you put something on social media, you don’t know where it may end up. In the future, ask your mom what she deems proper and what she doesn’t.

A Thoughtful Teen

Dear 15-year-old Sophomore,

Your mom probably feels that it is inappropriate to send any photos no matter what if it’s of you in the shower. Although you may disagree with her advice, she is coming from a good place to protect you. Perhaps you should apologize to your mom and tell her you won’t do it again so she will be able to trust you. You have to respect your mom’s decision because she wants what’s best for you.

Your Friend

Dear 15-year-old Sophomore,

I can see why your mother was upset. Although you said the video was only showing your collarbones and your face in the shower, you should not be sending videos in the shower when you have no clothing on. Something could’ve happened to it, you could have sent it to the wrong person, or someone could have screenshot it from another device and sent it to other people. Also, it is possible that other people could have seen it on your friend’s phone when she opened it. Always think about what you are sending before you send it, especially on Snapchat.

A Caring Friend

Dear 15-year-old Sophomore,

Knowing you are willing to take videos of yourself naked, even if nothing private is showing may encourage someone with bad intentions to pressure you into posting more. Even if you are sure that you would never do that, it is unsafe to post something that would attract those who wish you harm. It advertises to others that you are naive and vulnerable. There is always  inherent risk when posting anything on the Internet, even innocent photos and videos. I recommend you learn from your mistake and ask your mother or a trusted adult to help you come up with a list of what is acceptable and safe to post. Bathroom, shower, partial nudity or revealing clothing will not be on the list. You can still have fun while staying safe.

Dr. Renae

Dear Dr. Renae,

I am very nervous and uncomfortable to ask my teachers questions about a grade or an assignment. They always seem so busy and stressed out. I feel like I am bothering them and they do not have the time for me. Sometimes when I hand in an assignment, it does not get posted on my grades. I can tell my parents are not sure whether to believe me that I completed it and handed it in. When I am absent I feel too anxious to approach my teachers about making up a test or a lab and I wind up with a zero. My grades are lower than they should be, but how can I approach my teachers without getting them angry and upsetting them?

Fearful Freshman

Dear Fearful Freshmen,

Boy do I understand your predicament. Let me be blunt: you won’t be bothering your teachers if you ask them anything. In fact, your teachers would probably be overjoyed if you ask them a question. It’s their job to help you, and yes, while you don’t want to add to their workload, a simple question and a reminder would help. I’m the same way, so just swallow the weird, guilty feeling and ask. Your grades shouldn’t suffer due to fear of teachers. Being a freshman is very tough, but hurdles like these help us grow. Trust me, I’ve been in your shoes before, just speak out.

A Sympathetic Friend

Dear Fearful Freshman:

As a first year high school student you might feel like a small fish in a big pond and it’s easy to get overwhelmed. However, you should know that even though your teachers might be busy, they are also working hard to make sure their students benefit from their class. You should take the time to explain why you are anxious and ask about your assignments and the zeroes reflected in your grades. This will help open communication between you and your teachers. In doing so, it will make it easier for you to talk to them when a problem does come up and reassure your parents you are doing the work required of you.

Your friend

Dear Fearful Freshman,

There is nothing to be afraid of. Teachers are there for you to ask questions. They love when students are involved. Don’t let your grades suffer because of how anxious you get. It will only make the teachers assume you don’t care about your grades. Your teachers are there to help you. They are often stressed and busy, but they always have time for their students and will never get mad at a student who cares. It may help to tell your parents about this. They could set up a conference for you, your parents, and your teachers to talk and explain your situation and feelings and then you may feel more comfortable.

A Fellow High Schooler

Dear Fearful Freshman,

Although teachers are busy, they devote their time to being at school and to help students. Teachers encourage feedback and communication from their students. A suggestion for you is to find out if your teachers have after school hours. This way you can spend one-on-one time with your teacher, which may make you feel more comfortable discussing the anxieties you feel. You should also have a heart-to-heart talk with your parents because there must be a reason your parents don’t trust you handed in your assignment and you believe they doubt you. Communication is  important especially when you are feeling so misunderstood. Just remember that your teachers are here to help you anytime and want to see you succeed in school and life.

A Friend Who Cares

Dear Fearful Freshman,

Here’s the truth about teachers: They’re also human beings. Sometimes they may seem frustrated or annoyed, but they have good and bad days, just like the rest of us. However, that doesn’t mean that they’re not open to assisting you and helping you succeed. My suggestion would be to work on your fear and try to approach your teachers if you need their help. Make sure that you go to them at a proper time (not during class, for example). Even if you do approach them during lunch or another break, be sure to ask, “Is now a good time to talk?” If you teacher is busy, they’ll give you a better time to speak to them, then you will have their undivided attention.

A Caring Teen

Dear Fearful Freshman,

Do not be nervous to ask your teachers about your grades and assignments. Now, I know it’s easier said than done. Something you need to realize is that it’s your teachers job is to grade and handle your assignments. Sometimes they are busy and stressed. It’s a false mentality that you are having of bothering them. I recommend you to talk to them and fix your grades if they are lower than they should be. Change your mind-set and talk to them. Your teachers will most likely appreciate it, viewing you as responsible. You can’t go wrong with that – good luck.

A Friend Who Knows Where You Are Coming From

Dear Fearful Freshman,

Your teachers would feel bad to know that you were uncomfortable approaching them. You are observant to notice that some of your teachers are overwhelmed with their job. I recommend that you take the following steps: first, do your homework and research your school district policy about handing in late work when you are absent excused and unexcused. Next, review the syllabus your teacher handed out at the beginning of the school year which details grading and classroom rules and policies. Finally, contact your teacher in their preferred method of communication: in person, email, after class or their office hours. If you do not know their preferred method of communication, ask. Simply approach your teacher and say: “when is a good time to talk with you?” Teachers love to have students ask questions and express interest in their grades. You will find them very responsive if you chose the right time.

Dr. Renae

Flu season is here and health professionals recommend that you get a flu vaccine. The flu shot can reduce the risk of flu-associated hospitalization. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention refers to a study published in 2016 that showed that people 50 years and older who got a flu vaccine reduced their risk of being hospitalized by 57 percent.

The flu vaccine is an important preventative for people with chronic health conditions. The CDC has found that the vaccine has reduced hospitalizations among people with diabetes and chronic lung disease. It reduces the risk of flu-associated acute respiratory infection by about half. The vaccination helps protect women during and after pregnancy and protects the developing baby during pregnancy and for several months after birth.

The flu vaccine can lessen your symptoms if you do get sick. A vaccination protects not only you but the people around you who are more vulnerable to serious flu illness, like babies, young children, older people, and people with certain chronic health conditions. The CDC studies show that the vaccine reduces the risk of flu illness by 50 to 60 percent. The effectiveness of the vaccine can range from season to season. Age and health are factors that play an important role in determining the likelihood that the vaccine will provide protection.

The seasonal flu vaccine protects against the influenza viruses that research indicates will be most common during the upcoming season. Traditional flu vaccines known as “trivalent” vaccines are made to protect against three flu viruses; an influenza A (H1N1) virus, an influenza A (H3N2) virus, and an influenza B virus. There are also flu vaccines made to protect against four flu viruses called “quadrivalent” vaccines. These vaccines protect against the same viruses as the trivalent vaccine and an additional B virus.

The CDC recommends use of injectable influenza vaccines including inactivated influenza vaccines and recombinant influenza vaccines during 2016-2017. To find the nearest place that is offering flu shots, visit flu.gov.